Merry Christmas!

Well hasn't this year just flown by!!

Just 16 days till Christmas!!

A happy time but it can also be a little melancholic, when I think about the birth family I don't know and that doesn't know me... the grandparents that James doesn't know..aunts and uncles.. cousins.

But this Christmas Season I am feeling hopeful. I have my family around and I have some really good friends who support me and encourage me. They know who they are!!

I've spoke here previously about doing a trip to Sydney and surrounds to further my adoption searching. I'm very happy to say that it is going to happen in January 2014!

Me, my son James and one of my closest friends, Janice will be making our way to Sydney in the first week of January.

Our itinerary, if all things go to plan, is first to have a week in the city doing all the fun touristy stuff.. Taronga Zoo..Luna Park.. Darling Harbour etc. Then to take a few days concentrating on adoption matters.

I have, in the last week called a couple of 'family' that I have spoken about in other posts, to tell them of my plans and to ask if it is ok for me to meet up with them, even just to say hi. The ones I have spoken to have said they are happy for that.

But here's my conundrum.. Judith! My birthmother.

Do I call her now to tell her I'll be down there? Do I call her at all?

Do I just show up on her doorstep? Do I just 'stalk' her from a distance?

Do I approach her husband, or her daughters..my sisters!    Or do I do nothing????

I'd be interested to hear others thoughts on this. I know ultimately it will be my decision and one I have to live with no matter what the outcome. And it will be a decision that's probably not made until the last minute.

To do nothing, I run the risk of it being too late.. of never getting any answers or comfort.

I may never get this opportunity again.

If I do confront her I run the risk of her completely shutting me out, even more then she does now.

They are the negatives of the situation. Are there any positives? Well she could welcome me with open arms but in all honesty I don't hold much hope for that.

I just don't know whats the best thing to do...the right thing? And the right thing by who? Her, or me?

Well..time will tell! January is going to be a big month!

I'll take this opportunity now to wish everyone that has taken the time to read my story..the people I know..the ones I don't and the ones I will meet sometime soon hopefully, a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year - 2014!!

Recommended Reading.."The Primal Wound"

Its been 2 months since my last post as things have gone 'off the boil' so to speak.

Im not giving up on it; everyday I wonder what can I do...what should be my next step.. am I ready for more of the same lies and deception??

The support and encouragement from many close friends about this blog and my ongoing journey has been tremendous.. it means a lot to me and ensures I keep at it, hence this post even though there is not much news.

Yesterday I did call Marj again (her late husband was my grandfathers cousin). She has got to be one of my biggest supporters and always so welcoming and friendly! I told her of my plans to come visit in January of next year and she seemed genuinely happy to meet me.

Since my last post there has been a change in Government here in Australia. Perhaps this will bring about some changes to the Adoption Laws but I'm not counting on it. I'm still finding it immensely unfair that I am denied access to identifying information on my birth father; there is a whole line of heritage I know absolutely nothing about!

So as you can see, this post is rather short and not filled with a lot of news.

I hope to be able to share some good news and interesting stories again soon!

 Can I recommend a book to anyone that is interested in reading, that I feel explains a lot of the thoughts, emotions and feelings us as adoptees' experience... it is called The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier.

Just words...no emotion!

Im still mad!

I know its not healthy to carry such anger and frustration but what can I do?

I did have another brainwave idea about getting these unedited copies of my files to get my birth fathers name. I thought I would give Judith's brother Tom (my uncle that I have spoken to once on the phone a few months ago) a call, and suggest to him that maybe he would be able to help Judith with the application. Whilst he did seem sympathetic to my situation he said he doesn't ever really see her or talk to her but if he by chance did he would 'mention it and encourage her to help me'.. I wont hold my breath. So basically, another addition in the too hard basket!


Sometimes I think I'm just kidding myself; trying to find and reconnect to a family I don't know, who don't know me and who I'm feeling aren't all that interested in establishing any kind of a relationship. It seems the more people I do communicate with, the clearer it becomes that this really is a disjointed family.

With my birth mothers parents both dieing when she and her brothers and sisters were all so young, and subsequently them all being split up and raised separately, there is no close family ties amongst them. It's taking me, a stranger..a secret.. to even bring the thought of each other to the forefront of their mind, and I'm sure it disappears again as soon as I hang up.


Really how can I expect to be welcomed and wanted and a part of a family that doesn't have any bonds or interest in any of their extended family.

Sure, everyone I have spoken to in my search has been nice and polite, and some have said if I ever get to their town to look them up, but for the majority of them there isn't any excitement or anticipation on their part..I feel its just words, no emotion attached to it. 


However I am planning on doing a road trip early next year to go and meet some of these people, and depending on what has developed by then, I may go and front up to Judith and possibly her family! I plan on visiting the towns Judith grew up, hope to find the graves of her parents; my grandparents, to see the hospital I was born in, and to visit some of the places I grew up as a young child with my adoptive family. It is exciting to have this to plan and look forward to!!


A few weeks ago I called a gentleman I'd spoke to a while ago who is good friends with a half-uncle of mine, Spot. Well just the other day Spot called me after he was given the message I would like to hear from him. He is an older half-brother of Judiths' who of course knew nothing of me..he doesn't even really know anything about Judith because as I've explained before, all the siblings were raised separately. Again he was nice..friendly, but still I didn't get the connection I hoped for.


This really is a wild rollercoaster ride. My emotions go through all sorts of twists and turns. I can spend days being anxious and scared, working up the courage to make a phone call or to search a bit deeper on the internet, then shoot up to a strong high when i finally make contact..then more often then not take a deep dive low when I don't get the connection I hope for. Its hard to explain..i just want someone to say... 'welcome into the family..tell me more about yourself... can i keep in contact.. or I would like to meet you'. 

Even just a couple weeks ago I also rang a lady who i discovered was actually the daughter of the couple Judith lived with after her mothers death. I hoped this may have given me an insight into the type of person she was but it didn't really. There wasn't really a lot she could tell me that I didn't already know.

I can understand and appreciate she and her siblings had a tough time and a lot of sadness in their life. But I just want to be something good in their life, but I'm not being allowed in.

Me as a toddler :)

Whilst it hurts and probably always will, part of me has accepted there is unlikely to ever be any great happy-ever-after reunion story with Judith or her family, which is a lot of the reason I really want and need to try and find out more about my birth father and his family. I still have a glimmer of hope that things might be more successful and positive on his side..if only i could find out WHO HE IS?? And the answer to that lies completely in her hands, and the governments...both of which are working against me!

In The 'Too Hard' basket!!

Whoa!! What a month it has been!! So much has gone on, non-adoption related.

My best friends 22 yr old son was missing for 10 days till he was sadly found deceased :( RIP David! Always remembered. Then there was a tragic car accident just out of town that took 3 innocent lives (2 young children and their dad). Me and my husband were only a matter of 1-2 minutes from it being us. That really rattled me. Another friend attempted suicide, but thankfully is ok now. And then had to take James to hospital after he cut his thumb and needed it glued. 

As I said, its been quite an eventful few weeks!


The adoption journey has been mostly pretty quiet but there has been a few things.

If you remember my last post I spoke about the Taren Point Bowling Club. Well I did ring the  bowling club again, and the guy I been talking to there said he was waiting to talk to a couple people he thought may be able to help or to know something, then he'd ring back. Yes, I'm still waiting.

I have also called Judith again. I got brave enough to mention the 2 people I'd been told could be possible father, and got the response I expected.... denial!!


It is so frustrating being denied my own family information. My own birth mother can't/or wont come forward with the truth.. the government is determined to keep me in the dark! Why should a person have to fight and battle to know their heritage!!


Shouldnt it be my basic right???

In my frustration I remembered something my case worker had told me last year. 

All the social worker records I have (including the one piece of paper with a fathers full name written on it) is also available to Judith UNEDITED if she applies for them herself. I mention this to Judith and ask her if its as simple as a phone call, would she apply for the papers and then tell me the name that appears on the papers. She says she would do this!

Ok..quick, I call my caseworker. I ask her 'can Judith apply for the social worker records with a simple phone call?' The short answer is....No!!!  

DAMMITT!!! 

For her to get the papers it has to be done the hard way... a written letter.. and 3 copies of her ID, all witnessed and signed by a JP. Well there goes that idea because before I even ring Judith back I know that wont ever happen.

Yep..just as I expected. She simply just tossed it into the 'too hard' basket. If only she was open and honest with her current family about my existence, things could be so much easier. Im sure if they knew they would be only too happy to help her do this, to help me. But whilst I remain a secret, I have to just sit and take the consequences. 

I wish I was a harsher person..a friend suggested to me that maybe I need to just really put my foot down and come out with some threats or blackmail....along the lines of ' You tell me what i need to know, or at least help me get the information, or I'm going to expose my existence to your husband and children'.  But what would that achieve??? Turmoil in her family unit... more rejection from her towards me... but maybe it would open up communication between me and my half sisters that know nothing about me. 

What to do?? What to do?? I am fast running out of patience in playing nice with her!!

In fact the more I sit and think about it, the madder i feel!!!!

helpfindrobert@hotmail.com

This post I am going to try and cover everything that has happened since meeting my cousin in January up to the current date, May 2013 so then I can update on current feelings and new developments as they happen.


I rang Judith again about another 2 times so far this year. Whilst she was still no help in providing my birth fathers name, she did reveal a little more info, after lots of questions and prompting from me. I found out she has 2 daughters.. my half sisters.. but of course they aren't even aware of my existence, and she doesn't want them to know. But my perseverance and asking questions and seeking answers does lead her to say that 'I am a lot like one of her daughters'. That kind of made me happy knowing that maybe my personality and mannerisms are like someone else's because of genes!

Another piece of information she gave out was the name of the Uncle that she went to live with when her mother passed away. This could be a big help in tracing some other family and more information. I did a white pages search on this name in the area of Tumut/Gundagai which eventually led me to a beautiful lady called Marj who's late husband was my grandfathers cousin. It has truly been a blessing to find her. She has been so warm and welcoming and really a wealth of information.

In just a few short months and a handful of phone calls we have cemented a strong friendship. She knew my grandfather quite well..shes told me stories about how he used to go to their place for Sunday dinner, and would sit on the back verandah playing the piano accordion  Its little things like this which I love to hear about. Marj has also opened up many new avenues for me to expand my search.

With her help I have now been in contact with an Uncle and have seen a picture of a half-uncle.

The uncle, of course knew nothing of my existence, but seemed happy to listen to my story. I didn't get that big, open arm, warm or emotional welcome from him, but he did say if I ever got to Sydney he would be happy to meet me!

The half-uncle is the son of my grandmother before she met and married my grandfather. I'm yet to make contact with him but I will.

I also had a phone conversation with the uncle of my cousin who visited me in January. He is an elderly gentleman who again didn't really know much about my direct descendants, but he was so happy to talk and tell me all about himself and his family. 

I really have been lucky with the people I approach, particularly the older ones. They have all been really keen to try and help as best they can, and all are sorry that they can not help with my main problem of finding my birth father.

I have also been lucky enough to find and speak to twice, someone that knew Judith quite well at the time of my birth.  In fact this person actually drove her to the hospital to have me. Her waters broke in his car... ooops, sorry! lol  When I questioned him if he knew who my father might be, he immediately said he thinks its one of 2 people! Wow!! This is the first time I've had such a positive response to the question of my paternity. I asked for details..

He said one possibility could be a young guy (he never knew his name...could it have Robert??) that Judith used to see every Friday night at the local Bowlo for quite a while. We are not sure if he just drank there, or worked there as well. On my papers it said 'my father worked in a hotel'.

But the second possibilty and the one this person thinks is more likely the one, was someone called Max. (I have his full name, but again for privacy reasons I'll keep it quiet for just now). He went on to explain who Max was... he was the husband of her Aunty, and Judith was living with them!

Wellllllllll....this could explain a lot ..why all the secrecy and lies. Max was quite a lot older then Judith and from reports was very possessive and intimidating over her. But this is just one persons opinion and feelings on the matter, it may not necessarily be accurate and still to this day I have not mentioned this information to Judith to see what her response is. But I can already guess what her reaction will be... denial!

The Bowling Club mentioned was the Taran Point Bowling Club in Sydney. And yes I have even rang them to see if anyone still drinks or works there that may have been around in the 70s. I need to ring back and chase that up again soon but it doesnt look too promising.

In the last few months I have also applied and received my medical records from the hospital. Not a great deal more in there from what I already knew other then my time of birth.

Labour began..4.30am; fully dilated 4.55am; born 5.14am!   45 minutes from start to finish! Does this explain my impatience nowadays? 

And the other interesting thing..listed under 'person for notification' (or next of kin) is her aunty..Max's wife!

Im fairly certain both Max and his wife would be passed on by now, so really unless Judith comes out with the truth I dont know if I'm ever going to find out who my father is!

So as you can see, it has been a fairly busy few months on my rollercoaster ride. Im so glad to be caught up and can now update as things happen. 

I hope you have all enjoyed it so far and continue to follow my journey. 

I welcome any comments and feedback or any help anyone can offer.

I have an email just for this adoption stuff..


helpfindrobert@hotmail.com   

If anyone has free access to search sites such as ancestry.com or electoral rolls or cemeteries etc I would be more then happy to provide full names of people I'm looking for. 

Just leave a comment here or send an email to above address.

Luv Ya Cuz!!

18 October 2012 - I was out to lunch with my best friend Janice, when my phone dinged with a facebook message!

"if I can help I will do so"

Oh wow! This was from one of the inboxes I sent nearly 10 months ago..I had all but given up on getting a response from there. His name was Chris and after explaining my situation he was keen to help. He thinks my grandmother (my mothers, mother) may have been related to his great grandfather, but he would have to talk to his dad to confirm it.

I cant explain how good it felt to chat to someone that is quite possibly blood related and seems happy to talk and willing to help. A rough calculation makes us possible cousins to some degree.

We talked about family..kids..where we lived..where we worked. I was on such a buzz to be in contact with a cousin. Over the next few days we messaged each other regularly, bit by bit discovering new family information. 

Soon we skyped too. Chatting was natural between us, and before we knew it a couple hours had passed; it really was just like we were old long time mates.

After a few weeks of contact, Chris said something to me that really choked me up. It meant such a lot to me, probably more then he realises even today, and I'll always remember it. Saying goodnight one night, he said.... "luv ya cuz". 

To be accepted..to be welcomed...to be loved by a blood family member was all I had ever wanted for so long and finally I had it.

He had to go interstate for work, but we made plans to meet in person. After his work season finished he said he would drop in here for a day or 2 on his way back to Queensland. 


Early January 2013 - Finally the day arrived. It was going to be a long 8 hour or so drive for him (which ended up being about 10 hours because someone told him a shorter way to go but forgot to mention it was a bad road lol). I was like a kid on Christmas morning..so excited! Eventually he arrived about 10pm, tired and hanging for a beer! We hugged and sat up for a couple hours chatting. 

This was my cousin, he is part of my family, and he is here with me.

The Evans Head River

The next day me and James took him to Evans Head fishing. To say he is a keen fisherman would be an understatement. He even bought James a new rod and reel. Between us we caught a couple of bream and got given a flathead (I still say I caught the most lol) which we BBQ'ed up that night.

James & Chris

  

                 Me with my catch 

Again we sat up chatting and although we were still yet to 100% confirm our family connection we were both 99.9% sure we were in fact 3rd cousins. We agreed that no matter what we would always be mates regardless and both are welcome anytime to the others house.


Sadly we had to say our goodbyes the next morning. I was surprised how much it affected me, but we made a pact that we will stay in touch and we will meet up again. 

I know to him I am one of many cousins and family he has, but to me he is my ONLY one so far and I don't ever want to lose that.

I LUV YA CUZ!! <3

Using Social Media

For a while I had been toying with the idea of approaching people via facebook. As I have explained earlier, my maternal grandmother had a rather unusual maiden name, and a search on that name in facebook showed quite a few people, some where even from the same area, Tumut. 


Choosing which ones to try and send a message too was hard. This was a fairly direct, in your face approach.. I had to think carefully what I said and to whom. I didn't want to cause any dramas but I wanted information..I wanted to know if I was actually related to any of these people.


December 2011 - After discussing with my social worker at the adoption agency what I was wanting to do next, she agreed to send Judith a letter on my behalf explaining that I was going to continue my search for other family members, as well as offering to be a mediator in this and I guess indirectly giving her the opportunity to come forward herself with family members before I might do it. 

One of my favourite pics of me and my mum! <3 (My love for the colour purple started young )

My case had also been forwarded on to the Salvation Army Special Search people to help find my birthfather. They had come up with a few POSSIBLE matches. It was hard because there was only minimal information available about the father, and it was hard to narrow down the search specifically. A few letters were sent out to some of these, but all come back negative to being our person of interest.  I was also asked to write a letter to my birth father, but send it to my caseworker, so when or if the time came that they got a positive match they could forward my letter on to him.



January 2012 - I finally made the step of contacting a few people via facebook. I sent them a short inbox, just saying I was doing some family history...then I had to sit back and wait! 


Again, more waiting!

Very Detached - Place Quickly!!

October 25 2011 - Well finally, after waiting 4 months I have received my 'social and medical information' files!!

This is a massive thing for me. I am so excited but so nervous to open the envelope. What is it going to reveal?  

I've got to keep in mind that what I read in these files, still may not be accurate or truthful. I've heard many stories of birth mothers providing false information to authorities at the time by choice, need and/or coercion as well as even the authorities themselves writing whatever they want on the forms without the birthmothers knowledge or consent; such were the times!


Anyway, lets see whats in here.....

Robert : Does he know..yes! Does he acknowlegde..yes!

This is the bit I was told about earlier. On the original paper the fathers surname is written there. As you can see on my copy is a nice white empty space! According to this, my birthfather was born and educated in Tumut NSW, lived in Cronulla NSW at time of my birth, and knew and acknowledged the pregnancy and 'would if asked' contribute towards expenses.

So he knew about me? I really want to be able to find him, or even his family if he is dead as Judith has told me. I just wish I was able to know his full name.  

In the meantime my caseworker S. at the adoption agency is searching his name at Births, Deaths & Marriages. I hope something comes up there.

From what I can gather this is the social workers notes on the situation at the time

"..Judy was very calm - had not seen baby & seemed very detached...."

Reading this bought tears to my eyes. This is when it hit me that she really never did want me. In her world I really was a mistake. 

I should be grateful, and I am, that she didn't just eradicate that mistake when it first happened. I still struggle though to understand how a mother can carry a child for 9 months and not show at least a little attachment or care.

Just like a bandaid.. do it quick and its less painful? But for who?

I think she just wanted the whole thing to be over and forgotten with. Or maybe she just didn't want to see me and wanted placement done quick, because perhaps she wouldnt be able to go through with it if she did. 

Maybe she did love me..I can hope, cant I?

Nice of them to note that i was a 'pretty well formed child! Haha

Heres that Unnamed Child again.

Even with the Supreme Court of NSW, I was known as UNNAMED FEMALE CHILD! I guess its better then being given one name by birthmother, then having it changed later by adoptive parents as happened to many many adoptees. 

.. 'satisfied this placement is in best interests of the child..' 

Well like I have explained earlier I did have a good upbringing and a loving family. So maybe i was lucky and this was for the best. Who really knows.  

Also in these files was some medical reports. Some information I already knew about such as I had a 'clicky hip' and a squint in one eye, both of which must have corrected themselves as I grew because I dont have either of them issues now.  

I already knew my birthweight, 3.42kgs (or 7.5 pound in old scale) but now I knew my length at birth 53.5cm  (21") and head circumference 35.3cm (14") and my AGPAR score 7/10, then 10/10!

These files have been a real eye opener for me! I know I will spend many hours and days going over and over everything in here, trying to get a better understanding of what the situation was at the time. 

In fact it was the next day I noticed something I had missed the day before. 

On one of these forms, it listed Judiths address at the time in Penshurst Sydney NSW, but had C/O a Mr & Mrs C. (im withholding full surname from public view for their privacy). I knew Judith worked as a live in carer and domestic worker, so figured this name and address was that of her employer. 

Was this a potential link to knowing more about my birthmother and possibly birth father. The way I see it.. if I see a door even just a little ajar, I'm going to look into it..never know what I will find!

The surname of Mr & Mrs C was not a common name. A look in the white pages in the general Penshurst area found a match! I ring it. An elderly gentleman answered, I explained my situation to him and he said his aunt in Gundagai might be able to help. I ring her and got a sweet 90 yr old lady.She may be 90 but when I explained who I was and who I was asking about she remembered my birth mother. Her son was Judiths employer! Judith used to look after this ladys grandkids. He now lived in Queensland and was currently unwell, but she said she would call him and when he was better would get him to call me! 

I dont know what I'm expecting from him, or if he will even talk or remember anything. He wasnt family, he is just a link to my birthmother, right at the time that I was born, so lets hope! 

What have I got to lose, right? I just have to wait for his return call.......

Me as a bubba :)

Privacy Laws Suck!

June 2011 - It was about 12 months after my phone call to Judith, when I came across a facebook group on Australian Adoptions. Being able to read about other people and their own journeys was comforting. It seemed a good place to share experiences and offer and ask for advice. The group involved people from all aspects of adoption.... adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents and friends and families of the above-mentioned.

I decided to post a brief outline of my journey thus far. The support and advice was overwhelming. In all my years I always thought that them 2 pages of my adoption papers were all that existed. I'd never actually thought that there would be more.. hospital records.. court orders.. social worker records. But I was soon well advised that there would be all this and more that I am entitled to. This was the the spark i needed to keep going with my search.

I found the adoption agency I was processed through (which had since changed name) and had soon sent off my application for 'social and medical information' files. They said to expect a wait of up to 3 months!

Waiting..waiting...patience is not my best trait!

While waiting, I also was told I was able to send for a copy of my birthmothers own birth certificate. This would hopefully give me names of her parents, which will help me in my search for other family. 

Another form filled in and sent..more waiting!


August 2011 - It had been just over 12 months since my first and last phone call to Judith. I decided to give it another go. Maybe by now she had had time to think about it a bit more, and maybe remembered some things she had forgot last time, such as my birthfathers full name.

But nothing had changed.. there was no joy or gratefulness in her voice to hear from me, and she was still not giving me any extra information on my birthfather. She was still denying knowing him for 2 years as stated on adoption papers. 

This is so frustrating..to know that someone at sometime is outright lying, and I just need the truth and answers! Either Judith told lies back then for her own reasons, or was it the social worker/adoption agency just writing whatever they wanted on the forms way back then as it did happen in some instances..or was Judith lying now? I deserve the truth! Dont I?

August 19 2011 - OMG!! I have just received an extract of my mothers birth certificate! Her mothers maiden name is a not very common name so a quick look on ancestry.com finds her pretty fast. i know i would never be able to meet them in person....

I already knew from the papers I had that her parents both died when she was young. Her mother when Judith was only about 3. After her mothers death her father was unable to care for her and her siblings so they all got seperated to live with other people..some family, some not. Judith went to a married uncle. Her father later died when she about 10 yrs old. 


.....but this was some of the best news I had had since I started this. 

Judiths father was of Irish heritage, and her mother was of German! 

WOW!! This is the first time I have ever been able to say what some of my heritage is..I'm an Irish/German! An interesting mix.

The next few weeks were spent exploring geneology sites and trying to piece together my ancestry. Surprisingly I was able to go way back to 1764 in Ireland on my 'grandfathers' side... and to 1846 in Germany on my 'grandmothers' side.

It was so good to be able to see names and dates that actually meant something to me..all of these people may have been long passed, but they were MY heritage, something I had never been able to say before!

Going back in time looking for information is so much easier then trying to find current day information. But it was a good basis to start with. Things were looking up!


August 26 2011 - My caseworker at the adoption agency that has been helping me and supporting me called today. She had some bittersweet news. firstly my files were being compiled and would be posted to me hopefully by the end of September. And.. my fathers full name is listed on one of the files!

Wow! This is just the break I need.

But before I could get too excited, my caseworker had more to say. 

Because my birthfathers name is not officially on my birth certificate, his identity needs to be kept from me. Here is my caseworker sitting there looking at a simple name that means so much to me, but she is gagged when it comes to telling me. It has to be blanked out before they can send me copies. How cruel! But she is able to tell me his first name, just not the surname which is what I really need. 

But heres the catch..according to this file his name isnt Stewart as Judith told me 12 months ago... its Robert!

A double punch in the guts... i had been told more lies about his name, and i was also being refused to know what the exact details are on file!

This is a time when PRIVACY LAWS SUCK! and something needs to be done to change this.

Now, back to waiting for these magical "social and medical information" files that i just have a suspicion are going to impact on me hard.  

stay posted.... :)

"You Were A Mistake!!"

One of my earliest photos. Me with mum and my brother <3 1975

Rejection for the second time really hurt me. I was still having trouble understanding it. Was I a bad person? Did i deserve this? I managed to push the anxiety and pain to the side for now and focused on being a wife and mum.

It wasnt until about 3 years after that rejection letter that I got that feeling again. That feeling of needing answers... needing to know where I come from.

My son James was fast growing up. This woman was missing out on seeing her grandson.. was she that cold that she could turn her back on him too.

 

By May 2010, the need for answers got too much. After literally holding the phone in my hands for a few hours, i finally did it... i rang her!

J : Hello
Me: Hello, Judith?
J: Yes
Me: Hi, this is your daughter..that you gave up for adoption in 1975.
J: Ohhh..what do you want?

"what do i want???"

.. how about a bit of emotion from talking to your first born for the first time. 

is that too much to ask?

Me : uhmm well I just want to know a bit about where I come from and if there's any medical issues I should be aware of.
J: No there is no medical problems.
Me: OK, well what about my father? Who was he? What was his name?
J: Stewart (i later realise that she confused telling me MY fathers name with her own fathers... but for now i didnt know this and thought Stewart was it.)
Me: Stewart who? What is his last name?
J: I dont know..I dont remember. But anyway Im sorry, he's dead!
Me: What???
J: He died of a drug overdose 
Me: When?
J: A few years after you were born.



This was not what i was expecting. My voice started breaking up and the tears started running. 
I had found the woman that gave birth to me and she basically didn't want anything to do with me...and now I had just been told my birth father was dead and so I'd never get that opportunity to know him.
I was surrounded by people who loved me.. husband, son, family, and good friends, yet id never felt so alone!


Me: Well what about his family? are they still around? did they know about me?
J: they didnt know anything, and I wouldnt bother with them. I didnt really know him long
Me: but in my papers it said you knew each other for 2 years
J: No thats not right, I dont know where they got that information. It was just a one night stand. You were a mistake
Me: well it says you knew each other but just weren't ready for marriage/parenthood
J: You were a mistake!

OMG i heard u the first 2 times saying I WAS A MISTAKE....you dont have to rub it in!

Me: I'd like to try and find his family then. Are you sure you can't remember his last name
J: No I cant, it was just a one night stand and you were a mistake!

WOW!! getting told repeatedly that u are a mistake in less then 5 minutes really makes a girl feel worthless. This is not the words I was hoping to hear from her.

Time to step back again and try to forget about the whole thing..there is just too much hurt involved. Until that urge reappears, I wont be doing any more!!

I knew your love was unconditional and forever

Losing mum was tough, but when someone is struggling with life as much as she was you have to look at it as a blessing. Im sure now she was 'up there' running and being active, something she hadn’t been able to do for years.

My son James was only 9 months old though. Sure I had a loving husband who was a great hands-on dad, but sometimes a girl just needs her mum to offer help and advice in raising a child. I would just have to think back to how mum and dad raised me and follow that example because I think I turned out ok.

It was about 2 years later that that urge come over me again..where did I come from? I dug out the original birth certificate that I got a few years earlier and the piece of paper I had scribbled her phone number and address on.  For weeks I would just look at it. Trying to decide what to do..was I ready to do anything? 

I did a bit of research on what was the best way to approach this. I had a little booklet ‘adoption search guide – what do I do now’, which said just turning up knocking on their door (not likely as she was about 10 hours drive away), and even phoning them wasn’t recommended. It seemed writing a good old fashioned paper and pen letter was the best approach to take, but what do I say? Eventually I was able to put a letter together. 

I wasn’t even 100% sure this person I had found was my birth mother, so first thing in the letter was asking if I had even got the right person.  Then I went on to explain why I was searching and what I was hoping to get out of contacting her, all the while understanding this may put her in an awkward position with her life as it was now. I nervously posted the letter anxious about what was going to happen next!

Well I didn’t have to wait very long..within a week or so I got a letter back. Opening this was potentially going to change my life forever. 

Well..here goes, lets see what it says….

"... i am your mother.."

Wow!! Ive really found her!! So excited to keep reading her letter....

".. I dont think that i can put my family through this.."

WHAM! 

What a punch in the guts!!!

I always knew this was going to be a possibility, but I honestly wasn’t expecting a response like this! I was crushed! I was PISSED OFF! I was hurt!! How could she do this to me? 

She rejected me as a baby (for reasons I was yet to find out), and now both of us so much older and she rejected me again! Why?? 

She says ‘ I cant put my family through this’…well what am i?? You gave birth to me, how can you put ME through this? And family?..does that mean I have brothers or sisters? Why cant I have the opportunity to know about them and them about me?

I cried..and cried.. and cried! Now I wished I had listened to mum. She hadn’t wanted me to search..she didn’t want me to get hurt. Was it mothers intuition that she knew this would be the outcome?

Im sorry mum.. I wish you were still here with me. At least I knew your love was unconditional and forever.

I rang dad and told him. He had been encouraging and supportive in all this, so when I told him what she had written he was just as shattered as me. He felt bad now that it hadn’t gone as well as we hoped. Dads not a very emotional person but I really heard in his voice he was hurting for me.

This pain of rejection a second time round was just too much. Shes made her feelings loud and clear to me, so that was it!

Im not going to go any further with it! Im never going to find out where i came from! Just focus on where I'm going.

Mum will forever be my mum, and dad will forever be my dad

Life went on as normal as it did for any teenager in the 80s and 90s.

1980 - aged 5, pacman and the rubiks cube become the rage

1983 - aged 8, the first cabbage patch kids were sold. i had one with brown curly hair called Alvin, in fact i still have him :) Until just this moment writing this, i didnt realise the irony about having a cabbage patch doll..they came with adoption papers too!

1985 - aged 10, Windows program invented by Micrsosoft

1987 - aged 12, I started high school

1989 - aged 14, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cowabunga'd into the world

1990 - aged 15, the INTERNET was created

1991 - aged 16, The Simpsons first aired on Australian TV

1992 - aged 17, i graduated high school with some of the best friends i could ask for.. Bec, Bindy, Izzy & Rach to name just a few xx

1996 - aged 21, I started what i later discovered i loved doing..working and DJing on community radio!

My adoption didnt really feature strongly in these years. 

Dont get me wrong, i was grateful (and lucky) to be raised in a loving safe family, but one time i can remember being really grateful, as selfish as it seems, was when my mum was diagnosed with a progressive terminal illness...and it was hereditary! 

Because i was adopted her illness would not be passed on to me or my children. But it did make me think, well what illnesses am i susceptible too??

Do you know how many times at doctors i get asked 'is there any medical history in your family'...and all i can say is ' I DON'T KNOW'!!

It was hard seeing mums health slowly deteriorate. But my love for her never wained. I think it was sometime after i got married in 2001 that the idea of searching for my birth family started to cross my mind.

September 2001 - My Wedding with mum and dad at the front

i can remember mentioning it to mum and dad. Dad was supportive, mum not so much. I think she was worried about me getting hurt. I also think she was scared that i might have been trying to replace her. Her health was getting slowly worse, by this stage she was in a wheelchair, unable to walk. 

But noone would EVER take her place, not even the person who gave birth to me, because she will forever be my mum and dad will forever be my dad. Out of respect and love for mum i put aside any plans to search.

She longed to see me have my own family and was utterly thrilled when in November 2004 i gave birth to James. He was 7.5 weeks prem and had to spend 6 or 7 weeks in hospital, and mum was bedbound at home so it was nearly 2 months before she could hold him.

December 2004 - Mums first hold of her grandson James

Having my own child stirred up a few emotions... how could a mother just give away their baby? why didnt she want me; did i do something wrong? these are questions that became more important to know the answers.

i thought i would at least take the first step in this lifelong journey, and do what i had to do whilst trying not to upset mum.

In the adoption search process the very first thing needed is a golden ticket they call a Supply Authority. This..

'authorises information sources under the Adoption Act 2000 to supply the bearer with certificates and other prescribed information relating to the adoption below'.

I got my golden ticket in March 2005. This finally gave me a name for my birthmother; Judy P. (as this is a public blog, i will withhold publishing surnames of people involved) the fathers name was left blank. And that was also when i first seen written in black and white my name as 'unnamed'

Unnamed Female

With this piece of paper i was able to send for my 'original birth certificate' where i learnt a little bit more about Judy..her place of birth..her address at time of my birth, and i was also able to do a marriage search to see if she married and what her married name might be.

A quick look on the electoral roll and in the white pages and i had a phone number and an address..but now what? 

Now it was time to put all this aside and focus on mum. She was fighting a battle that she couldnt win, but she was a fighter! Dad stood by her the whole way. She had seen HER daughter marry.. and seen HER daughter have a child..they were some of her greatest wishes. 

For 20 plus years she battled until she could fight no more. 

RIP Mum xxx May 1944 - August 2005

I LOVE YOU