Discovering my Ethnicity

I've been wanting to add an entry for a few weeks now but with no exciting news to tell I wasn't sure if I should. But this blog is not just about keeping track of each step forward and the many push backs, its also a place to just unload for me.

Some people may think I obsess over this adoption stuff..maybe I do. But its something that never goes away.. its never far from my thoughts.

  

 I still find it really hard to deal with and accept that my own birthmother refuses to have me any part of her life. What did I ever do to deserve that kind of treatment. Wasn't I good enough..am I still not good enough?? And why do my sisters refuse to accept me?




I read so many reunion stories and I know there are many many failed reunions and many more second rejections, but there are also many happy reunions and welcoming families. Why cant mine be one of them?

I know I was 'lucky' to be put into a good family but there's still that underlying hurt and ache that not many people could understand. There are often days that I do just sit and cry about it.

Its a sadness; an anger, an emptiness, and a loneliness even when I'm in a room full of people.

I don't know if it will ever go away. Has the irreparable damage been done?

I wonder even if they were to make contact today, would these feelings change? I could only hope so.

I know I have lots of things to be thankful for, and I am; my family..my friends. But just understand there are times when I just retreat, when I seem pre-occupied and go within myself, sometimes even subconsciously.

So anyway, I sent my dna sample off to Ancestry.com  late last year and a few weeks later I got results. The first thing I see from my results are my ethnicity origins.

From tracing my birthmothers family tree back to the 1700s I knew I had Irish and German in me but was clueless as to what I had from my birthfather. Its always made a good guessing competition as I've had people say to me that they can see everything from Maori.. to Aboriginal.. to Italian.
Well this answers it..

Im 41% Great British

40% Irish

And 15% Europe East which includes areas such as Poland, Russia, Latvia and German

And 4% of other trace regions.

So there you go. Predominantly I'm British and Irish, there's no Kiwi or Koori in me!

I'm guessing the British must be from my birthfathers side.

     

As well as giving me my ethnicity information the DNA test also shows any dna matches I have with other people that have done their test with Ancestry. When I first got these results there was about 44 matches of 4th cousin or closer...today its up to 68 matches.

I am very lucky and very grateful that I have a couple of ladies that are helping me decipher it all because I'm at a total loss as to how to read the results and compare family trees etc.

There's also a number of really good facebook groups that are very helpful and supportive when dealing with dna.

So from these matches I've emailed and conversed with a couple of 3rd cousins, all on my mothers side. Its a tricky and confusing process, well for me it is, to find the link as to where these people are on my family tree. With the assistance of my helpers we've been able to determine most to be on the birthmothers side. By law of elimination I can only assume the matches that we cant find the connection to are then branches on my birthfathers side.. but there are so many variables and broken connections its a really really difficult process. I thank my 2 helpers immensely for putting in many hours to try and bring me answers. One day I hope we make a breakthrough...and that breakthrough may come soon.


You may recall in my last post, after I got the devastating news that the dna test I had with who I thought was my aunty was negative, that I mentioned there is another man by the same name that might be worth following up. Well I have followed it up.


I have spoken to this mans sister who seems really keen to help if she can. Whilst she hasn't spoken to him direct she has talked to his daughter who has offered to do the ancestry dna test as well, so that will give me an answer one way or another, as to whether this man might be the one! Im anxiously and impatiently waiting for word that the test has been done.




And while I wait for that, another door has appeared that needs to be looked into. A number of years ago I made a post on facebook with me and a sign I made with the details I had on my birthfather (details that still to this day cant be confirmed as 100% accurate but its what Ive been told). This post surfaced again recently and a friend here has a friend in Tumut, who knows someone that fits his description, including the name Robert. I guess its unlikely but I cant not investigate a little further. So I have messaged him via facebook and sent a friend request...... and now I wait till he sees it.


Waiting! So much of this journey is waiting. A day feels like a week, and a week feels like a month.

I'll leave you with a mantra I need to remind myself of regularly....