I knew your love was unconditional and forever

Losing mum was tough, but when someone is struggling with life as much as she was you have to look at it as a blessing. Im sure now she was 'up there' running and being active, something she hadn’t been able to do for years.

My son James was only 9 months old though. Sure I had a loving husband who was a great hands-on dad, but sometimes a girl just needs her mum to offer help and advice in raising a child. I would just have to think back to how mum and dad raised me and follow that example because I think I turned out ok.

It was about 2 years later that that urge come over me again..where did I come from? I dug out the original birth certificate that I got a few years earlier and the piece of paper I had scribbled her phone number and address on.  For weeks I would just look at it. Trying to decide what to do..was I ready to do anything? 

I did a bit of research on what was the best way to approach this. I had a little booklet ‘adoption search guide – what do I do now’, which said just turning up knocking on their door (not likely as she was about 10 hours drive away), and even phoning them wasn’t recommended. It seemed writing a good old fashioned paper and pen letter was the best approach to take, but what do I say? Eventually I was able to put a letter together. 

I wasn’t even 100% sure this person I had found was my birth mother, so first thing in the letter was asking if I had even got the right person.  Then I went on to explain why I was searching and what I was hoping to get out of contacting her, all the while understanding this may put her in an awkward position with her life as it was now. I nervously posted the letter anxious about what was going to happen next!

Well I didn’t have to wait very long..within a week or so I got a letter back. Opening this was potentially going to change my life forever. 

Well..here goes, lets see what it says….

"... i am your mother.."

Wow!! Ive really found her!! So excited to keep reading her letter....

".. I dont think that i can put my family through this.."

WHAM! 

What a punch in the guts!!!

I always knew this was going to be a possibility, but I honestly wasn’t expecting a response like this! I was crushed! I was PISSED OFF! I was hurt!! How could she do this to me? 

She rejected me as a baby (for reasons I was yet to find out), and now both of us so much older and she rejected me again! Why?? 

She says ‘ I cant put my family through this’…well what am i?? You gave birth to me, how can you put ME through this? And family?..does that mean I have brothers or sisters? Why cant I have the opportunity to know about them and them about me?

I cried..and cried.. and cried! Now I wished I had listened to mum. She hadn’t wanted me to search..she didn’t want me to get hurt. Was it mothers intuition that she knew this would be the outcome?

Im sorry mum.. I wish you were still here with me. At least I knew your love was unconditional and forever.

I rang dad and told him. He had been encouraging and supportive in all this, so when I told him what she had written he was just as shattered as me. He felt bad now that it hadn’t gone as well as we hoped. Dads not a very emotional person but I really heard in his voice he was hurting for me.

This pain of rejection a second time round was just too much. Shes made her feelings loud and clear to me, so that was it!

Im not going to go any further with it! Im never going to find out where i came from! Just focus on where I'm going.