"You Were A Mistake!!"

One of my earliest photos. Me with mum and my brother <3 1975

Rejection for the second time really hurt me. I was still having trouble understanding it. Was I a bad person? Did i deserve this? I managed to push the anxiety and pain to the side for now and focused on being a wife and mum.

It wasnt until about 3 years after that rejection letter that I got that feeling again. That feeling of needing answers... needing to know where I come from.

My son James was fast growing up. This woman was missing out on seeing her grandson.. was she that cold that she could turn her back on him too.

 

By May 2010, the need for answers got too much. After literally holding the phone in my hands for a few hours, i finally did it... i rang her!

J : Hello
Me: Hello, Judith?
J: Yes
Me: Hi, this is your daughter..that you gave up for adoption in 1975.
J: Ohhh..what do you want?

"what do i want???"

.. how about a bit of emotion from talking to your first born for the first time. 

is that too much to ask?

Me : uhmm well I just want to know a bit about where I come from and if there's any medical issues I should be aware of.
J: No there is no medical problems.
Me: OK, well what about my father? Who was he? What was his name?
J: Stewart (i later realise that she confused telling me MY fathers name with her own fathers... but for now i didnt know this and thought Stewart was it.)
Me: Stewart who? What is his last name?
J: I dont know..I dont remember. But anyway Im sorry, he's dead!
Me: What???
J: He died of a drug overdose 
Me: When?
J: A few years after you were born.



This was not what i was expecting. My voice started breaking up and the tears started running. 
I had found the woman that gave birth to me and she basically didn't want anything to do with me...and now I had just been told my birth father was dead and so I'd never get that opportunity to know him.
I was surrounded by people who loved me.. husband, son, family, and good friends, yet id never felt so alone!


Me: Well what about his family? are they still around? did they know about me?
J: they didnt know anything, and I wouldnt bother with them. I didnt really know him long
Me: but in my papers it said you knew each other for 2 years
J: No thats not right, I dont know where they got that information. It was just a one night stand. You were a mistake
Me: well it says you knew each other but just weren't ready for marriage/parenthood
J: You were a mistake!

OMG i heard u the first 2 times saying I WAS A MISTAKE....you dont have to rub it in!

Me: I'd like to try and find his family then. Are you sure you can't remember his last name
J: No I cant, it was just a one night stand and you were a mistake!

WOW!! getting told repeatedly that u are a mistake in less then 5 minutes really makes a girl feel worthless. This is not the words I was hoping to hear from her.

Time to step back again and try to forget about the whole thing..there is just too much hurt involved. Until that urge reappears, I wont be doing any more!!