Just words...no emotion!

Im still mad!

I know its not healthy to carry such anger and frustration but what can I do?

I did have another brainwave idea about getting these unedited copies of my files to get my birth fathers name. I thought I would give Judith's brother Tom (my uncle that I have spoken to once on the phone a few months ago) a call, and suggest to him that maybe he would be able to help Judith with the application. Whilst he did seem sympathetic to my situation he said he doesn't ever really see her or talk to her but if he by chance did he would 'mention it and encourage her to help me'.. I wont hold my breath. So basically, another addition in the too hard basket!


Sometimes I think I'm just kidding myself; trying to find and reconnect to a family I don't know, who don't know me and who I'm feeling aren't all that interested in establishing any kind of a relationship. It seems the more people I do communicate with, the clearer it becomes that this really is a disjointed family.

With my birth mothers parents both dieing when she and her brothers and sisters were all so young, and subsequently them all being split up and raised separately, there is no close family ties amongst them. It's taking me, a stranger..a secret.. to even bring the thought of each other to the forefront of their mind, and I'm sure it disappears again as soon as I hang up.


Really how can I expect to be welcomed and wanted and a part of a family that doesn't have any bonds or interest in any of their extended family.

Sure, everyone I have spoken to in my search has been nice and polite, and some have said if I ever get to their town to look them up, but for the majority of them there isn't any excitement or anticipation on their part..I feel its just words, no emotion attached to it. 


However I am planning on doing a road trip early next year to go and meet some of these people, and depending on what has developed by then, I may go and front up to Judith and possibly her family! I plan on visiting the towns Judith grew up, hope to find the graves of her parents; my grandparents, to see the hospital I was born in, and to visit some of the places I grew up as a young child with my adoptive family. It is exciting to have this to plan and look forward to!!


A few weeks ago I called a gentleman I'd spoke to a while ago who is good friends with a half-uncle of mine, Spot. Well just the other day Spot called me after he was given the message I would like to hear from him. He is an older half-brother of Judiths' who of course knew nothing of me..he doesn't even really know anything about Judith because as I've explained before, all the siblings were raised separately. Again he was nice..friendly, but still I didn't get the connection I hoped for.


This really is a wild rollercoaster ride. My emotions go through all sorts of twists and turns. I can spend days being anxious and scared, working up the courage to make a phone call or to search a bit deeper on the internet, then shoot up to a strong high when i finally make contact..then more often then not take a deep dive low when I don't get the connection I hope for. Its hard to explain..i just want someone to say... 'welcome into the family..tell me more about yourself... can i keep in contact.. or I would like to meet you'. 

Even just a couple weeks ago I also rang a lady who i discovered was actually the daughter of the couple Judith lived with after her mothers death. I hoped this may have given me an insight into the type of person she was but it didn't really. There wasn't really a lot she could tell me that I didn't already know.

I can understand and appreciate she and her siblings had a tough time and a lot of sadness in their life. But I just want to be something good in their life, but I'm not being allowed in.

Me as a toddler :)

Whilst it hurts and probably always will, part of me has accepted there is unlikely to ever be any great happy-ever-after reunion story with Judith or her family, which is a lot of the reason I really want and need to try and find out more about my birth father and his family. I still have a glimmer of hope that things might be more successful and positive on his side..if only i could find out WHO HE IS?? And the answer to that lies completely in her hands, and the governments...both of which are working against me!