The Photo I've Been Longing To See!!

What an amazing emotional day its been for me today!

I got to see a coupe of photos of the man I believe to be my father, Bobby Paton!

A day I've been waiting for a long time and never thought would happen.

The moment I laid eyes on him, a tear fell.... followed by quite a few more.. and are falling again now as I type this.

What a handsome gentle soul he looks.

I was told that 'all the ladies thought he was good looking' and I can see why!

Beautiful dark curls!

Oh I wish he was still here. I wish he had a chance to know me and for me to know him.

My next road trip will definately be back to Gundagai to see his resting place.

Here is... Bobby Paton

♥

Bobby's Girl

And so, another 3 months have passed since my last entry. I must say its been quite a progressive and interesting time.

After being about 6 months and not hearing anything more from my birth sister since the initial contact, I was feeling that hurt of rejection surface all over again.

I'd written to her asking if she would help me with obtaining that critical piece of paper from the adoption agency with my birth fathers name on it (it could only be released to my birthmother upon her request) but had no response so I was getting desperate. I NEEDED to know and they were my only chance to get it. So I gathered all the application forms needed to be signed and posted it off to N pleading that she help get Judy to sign these. If she would only ever do one thing for me could it please be this; I promised to never bother them again if thats what they wanted.

A coupe more anxious weeks passed until I finally got an email from N. on the 16th July 2015.

She went on to explain that she had tried to write to me several times in the last few months but after only a few lines found that she was stuck. ..

" I really don't know what it is that I want to write... it seems that I'm just writing because I think its the right thing to do not because its something that I want to do..it just seems forced to me still not something natural."

At least she was honest about her feelings, as much as it hurts me to hear. Maybe in the future things might change for her.. for everyone.

But she did act on my request to get the forms signed and have that critical file released with no omissions. She sent me a copy of the file and it has my birth fathers surname for me to see! Thankyou!

I NOW HAVE A NAME OF MY BIRTHFATHER!

Robert Paton

Now I can finally start my own search.

You may recall way back in my first phone call to Judy in 2010, in the same conversation that she had told me numerous times that I was a mistake..she also said that 'He was dead' when I asked who my birthfather was. I didnt know whether to believe this or not as she has not always been truthful or agreeable to the information I had gathered regarding my adoption.

But I decided rather then to go stir crazy trying to make all the pieces fit, to just go with what I had and see if it all fell into place.

So I put a call out to some online searchers who devote many hours helping reunite families and friends. After doing a death record search a couple of matches were found.. some were ruled out by age.. year..location ect, but one remained. There were a few indiscrepencies but I've got to rememeber that some of the information on my adoption files may not be totally accurate or have come from a reliable source.. I have to allow room for error.

I sent away for an extract of this persons death certificate, hoping it will give some more information to help this puzzle start taking shape. It did. It had his parents names, which led me to finding a newspaper clipping about his mothers passing in 2007 that listed other siblings names (his brothers and sisters).

A visit to the electoral office last week to look up the siblings names and addresses gave me a list that I was then able to search through in the white pages. For a few days I sat looking at the list, hesitant and anxious. Unsure whether to make a phone call or not. Scared of what may come.. more rejection? More denial? It might even be the complete wrong family that im looking for.

Thursday 13th August 2015 - what have I got to lose! Just ring and see what happens.

And so I did! The first couple I tried went to voicemail so I hung up. There was another who's address was a caravan park. I rang there and spoke to the office lady who confirmed there was a Paton living there and she would pass on my number. A few hours later I get the call!

He says Robert (or Bobby as they all knew him) was his uncle. He suggested I needed to call his mother (Bobbys sister) as she knows more. Before I rang her, he'd already called her to tell her I was about to call...and then she had rung her only surviving brother to talk to him.. so by the time I had got through to her she was able to tell me that  her brother said,  yes Bobby and Judy dated for a few years in Gundagai!

OMG! Really!! So they definately were together.

Finally, this puzzle of my life and where I come from is starting to come together. And do you know what is best of all... I'm being accepted.. I'm being welcomed.

Another thing she said was that their late mother had often said she always thought that Bobby had a daughter! Im not sure if that was just a mothers intuition or if she actually knew something, or just a hope she had, but either way.. it seems to be true!

I'm Bobby's girl!

The next day or 2 I 'met' a few new cousins on facebook and they were able to show me some photos of Bobbys parents and siblings, but at this stage im still waiting anxiously for a photo of him!

Im blown away by how nice the whole family is..how much they are happy to know of my existance..


a few little quotes from messages from my new cousins include...

• 
  

  Hi Donna, I believe we're cousins. Welcome to the Paton family

• To my family, your a part of Bobby they never knew existed, something they never thought could happen

• Always nice to find family'

• Bobby had beautiful dark curls

• 
  

  You and your family are a blessing 

  
  

  I am truly blessed. 

I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone and learning all I can about the man that was my father. It does need to be said though, that as much as we all want this to be true and as much as it appears that it is, we do need to get it verified for certain which we will look into in the coming weeks! But I am feeling and believing that Bobby was my father!

Its a really mixed up feeling. Being so happy that the mystery is getting solved, and being accepted into a beautiful family... but being so sad knowing now that I'll never get the chance to meet him myself, or to hear his voice. How can I miss someone so much that I never ever got the chance to meet!

RIP Bobby 

(My Father)

xx

Tell those that you love and care about, that you love them

I write todays post with a heavy heart!

I just learnt today that a most loving beautiful helpful soul passed away a couple of weeks ago. If you have been following this blog since the beginning you will recall a lady I spoke of called Marj. I discovered this true gem when I was digging and looking for answers and information on the Piper side of my birth family. Her late husband and my paternal grandfather were nephew/uncle.

She was a wealth of information and never stopped trying to help me. Its going to leave a huge void in my life. She wanted me as part of the Piper family.. the only one who did. Now that she is no longer here I feel even more detached and lost.

I am just so glad that I got to Tumut early last year to meet her and I'll never forget her words she said to my friend when we were leaving...

 

I love you Marj, thankyou, and I'll miss you.

Rest In Peace

 

 

 

And so, it has been 6 months now since I had contact with one of my birth sisters. Since it became real that I had siblings and that they now knew about me. I wish I could say its been an exciting, welcoming, fun 6 months, but I can't. After initially having so much excitement and hope from her first message, sadly nothing more progressed. I guess I can't blame her. My simple existence was a massive shock to her. Sometimes for some people its easier to pretend a situation doesn't exist rather then to face it.

If you are reading this N, its ok. I don't hold any grudges. You do what you feel is right for you. But I do hope that just maybe one day you will want to be in touch again.

And my other sister, L... I hope you too will at least give me a chance. I reached out to you only to be totally blocked without a word.

All I can say to you both is, that I didn't ask to be born into this situation, and nor did you. I'm sorry if I have bought problems to your life. But it is what it is. There's nothing we can do to change the facts... its only what we each decide to do with the facts that we each have a choice with. If this is your choice, to avoid it and ignore it.. me, then I have to accept that. All along I've said that all I ever wanted was for you to know the truth, and you both to be at least given the opportunity to do with it what you will.

I wont lie. It hurts! Really hurts! Its a pain I don't think anyone can truly understand unless they are in this same situation.


In light of the sad news I heard today about Marj, let me sign off by saying...

"tell those that you love and care about, that you love them.. tomorrow isn't always promised"

No Longer A Secret

BIG NEWS!!! I'm no longer a secret!!!

A couple of months ago, I had a support person call Judy on my behalf to let her know I would at some point try and make contact with my sisters, but wanted to give her the opportunity to tell them herself, rather then some stranger.

I didn't follow through with this for some time until about 2 weeks ago. I didn't want to just come out with this big revelation to the girls, but I needed to take a step forward.. carefully.

After much umming and ahhing, and with a nervous hand I decided to send a friend request to one of them on facebook! Talk about anxiety running overtime!

Would she accept..then what?
Would she decline without a word spoken, and I'd still be no further ahead?
Would she know who I was?
Would she start asking questions? A tense few days followed until about 7am Tuesday November 11th, Rememberance Day.

DING! went my facebook messenger on my phone. I looked down and seen her icon pop up on my screen. There was a message from her. Thoughts started flying through my mind. Was it going to say 'go away'.. was it going to say 'who are you?'..  was it going to say 'hi sis'?

My heart racing, I clicked on it to open up, and started to read. Tears started to fall from my eyes as I realised this was actually happening. It felt surreal, I had to keep looking up, focusing my eyes then looking back to the screen expecting there to be nothing, that I was just imagining it. But it was real.

And it was a long message. One that she has obviously put a lot of thought and time into writing.

I won't relay her message word for word here, as it is obviously a private piece between myself and her, but the main thing that hits me, is that her and her sister know about me! From what I can tell, its only been fairly recently that they have been told (perhaps after that last call to Judy..i dont know?) and they are still trying to understand and comprehend the situation.

I'm just so grateful that now they at least know I exist, and can now make that decision for themselves as to whether they want a big sister in their lives. She makes no promises of a 'happy ever after' but she was kind enough to at least respond and acknowledge me. I thank you for that N.

So, now I have emailed her and suggested that they all read this blog. I hope it will give them a little understanding on my thoughts and feelings on this journey.

I have tried to be nothing but honest and upfront, expressed joy when I was happy.. cried tears when I've been hurt.. and banged my head when I've been frustrated.  

As the blog title says...  its a rollercoaster ride, thats for sure.

 

 And now after this last development, I'm turning a corner in the dark tunnel....what lies ahead? Time will tell!



And I do also need to mention one more thing that was in that message..

"..when we heard about you we wondered what you looked like but now seeing this there is no doubt...  ...I know straight away I am staring at my mother.."

I wonder..'do I look like my father?'

OK so its been nearly 5 months since my last post.. and 5 months since I located my birth sisters profiles on facebook. Its been a tough 5 months, even those closest to me don't realise how tough. Some days are a lot harder then others but I soldier on.

I still haven't had the courage or strength up to make contact with my sisters, or to make a phone call to Judy (my birthmother). Some people have said 'just do it' or said they 'don't know how I've held back from coming forward'.. all I can say is, as much as I have desperately wanted to, it just hasn't felt the right time or the right thing to do. I think its still a case of me wanting to keep the peace. I don't want to cause drama.. heck there's enough of that already in this word!

But I do regularly look at their profiles on facebook. I know what football team they go for. I know what movies they've been to at the cinema. I've seen photos of their family, including my mother. Personally I see a  clear physical resemblance of me in one sister, and a little in the other... but none at all in the mother, which leads me to wonder "Do I look like my father??"

I would love to post a photo of the sisters and Judy here for you all to look for similarities, but again I will respect their privacy and hold back. If you would like to see privately, write your email address below in the comments and I'll send a copy.

As you may recall, when I did my big trip in January of this year, part of it involved going to Gundagai, a place where Judy was born and raised. I wanted to just be in the town that raised my mother.. to see things that she would have grown up with. To see if there was any answers waiting to fall into my lap to my myriad of questions.. there wasn't.  But a few weeks ago, when I looked at my sisters facebook, I seen something that really stirred some emotions!

She wrote 'surprised mum! told her to dress warm. Took her home to Gundagai!' She went on to say about Judys' aunt and uncle getting a nice surprise to open their door and see her there, and how Judy showed them where she grew up..went to school..learnt to swim etc. These are things I wanted to know about! She should be telling me these stories, showing me these places! Don't I deserve to know?? Instead of being kept locked away as a dirty secret.. a mistake!

I'm a simple person. I don't want for a lot in this world. I didn't ask to be put in this situation, but it's the cards I was dealt with, and I have to just play the best way I can. Hopefully some time soon I get brave to show my cards to those that also have a right to know their complete family... my sisters!

On a happier note, I have just spent a few days with my 'birth' cousin Chris who i first met a couple years ago. Although our connection stems back to our mutual great great grandfather George, having someone in my life who shares the same blood (apart from my beautiful son) is something most people just take for granted. I know that family isn't just about genes and blood.. I was lucky, I grew up in a loving, supportive, caring family that I will always consider my family.

Me and Chris

But there is just something special, not many will understand the importance of, in connecting with ones own heritage, when its been denied to you for so long.

I was also lucky to meet one of Chris's brothers Steve (yes, that means another cousin!) and his lovely wife. I'm so glad they have all welcomed me and accepted me.

If only everyone was so open to my existance... !

Siblings have been found!

Well..about 2 days after posting the last post, on the 3rd February, through the powers of determination and social media, I located BOTH my sisters!

That's right, I've found both their profiles on facebook. So many times over the last few years  I have looked and searched and got nowhere.. but on this night I had success. I found one first, then looking back through their statuses and comments etc I was able to determine the other sister.

And..there are photos! Photos of them..their families.. and I'm fairly certain my birth mother is in a couple of the pictures. This is the first images I have ever seen of my birth family. My head is spinning! I can definitely see a physical resemblance of me in one sister in particular. I showed a couple of friends her picture and asked them if she looked familiar to them.. they all said, she looks like you? Yes!!

And looking at a photo of the woman that gave birth to me 39 years ago; The woman that walked out of St George Hospital without me. The woman that told me a couple of years ago that 'I am a mistake'!
I don't know what I'm feeling. Happy..Sad.. Excited.. Scared.. Anxious.. Frustrated.. Angry.. Hopefull!

How ironic that just a week earlier I watched that show on the ABC about Jono, searching for family online. Now I'm in exactly that same position he was.. siblings have been found, but now what do we do?

Today, as I write this, its now been 3 weeks since I first found my siblings profiles. I still haven't done anything about it, other then stalk from a distance. I'm assuming, or maybe just hoping, that one day in the future, sooner or later, my sisters will know about me and will read this blog.

So, to them I say..

"Hi! Im your older sister! You've read my story up till now. You should realise by now that I do not want to disrupt the relationships you have in your family unit. I do not hold grudges against OUR mother for what she did 39 years ago. Yes its sad that she chooses to have no contact or relationship with me.. and yes I'm frustrated that she won't/can't help me in my search for my birth father.. but that is all her choice. I respect that. What I have wanted all along was for you two girls to be offered the same choice of having contact with me. I can only imagine when you are made aware of my existence that you are going to be confused... mad.. then hopefully happy and excited! I would hope that you are both old enough and understanding enough to know that times were different back then. I don't want to be the cause of any trouble. I just would like the opportunity to get to know my sisters. But if neither of you want that, now or never, i respect that too. "

Some people have told me to send the girls a message... send them a friend request.. but I don't think that that is the right thing to do just now. I do think that Judy should be given the chance to tell them herself.. in her own way, but I know if its just left to her it will never happen.

I'm so torn.

I really don't want to cause disruption, but I also deserve to be acknowledged, don't I? I'm not one for ultimatums but how else will I ever know if my sisters want any kind of relationship.

I think I will get a good friend who understands my situation to ring Judy on my behalf. I will get them to tell her that eventually this is all going to come to a head. Give her time and warning to prepare herself for what is to come, and just maybe convince her that she should be the one to come clean to her husband and daughters, before my hand is forced.

I was right outside her house!

Well here we are..the first month of 2014 already done and dusted!

January was quite a busy month for me. I went away with one of my friends and my son on a 3 week journey of Facing Fears, Finding Family and Having Fun!!

View from the apartment we were staying
in..24 floors up, overlooking Hyde Park
 and Sydney Harbour!

The having fun bit was easy.. a week in the inner city of Sydney doing all the fun stuff... Luna Park, Taronga Zoo, The Aquarium,
The Eye Tower, Darling Harbour, train rides, ferry rides..
and much more!

Me and James on the ferry on Sydney Harbour

Cruising past the Opera House

Luna Park

Taronga Zoo

    

   
The facing fears was accomplished..I drove over the Harbour Bridge and in the city! I did the SkyWalk at the Eye Tower.. 250 metres in the air with just a pane of glass between me and the street below!

Approaching the Harbour Bridge

IN the Eye Tower, 250 metres in the sky!

Outside the Eye Tower on the glass viewing deck! What a view!!

And Finding Family.... well it didn't go completely to plan!

I did catch up with some family.. family that I have known all my life.. family that may not be blood family, but they are the ones who know and love me. And although it may have been some 30+ years since I had seen some of them, they welcomed me with warm open arms.

Reuniting with my Great Aunty Belle

Catching up with my cousin Carol, my late (adoptive)
mums niece and best friend growing up!

My 2 cousins I haven't seen in over 30 years and my favourite Aunty Mary <3

But as for meeting any birth family, well, I didn't!

I went to Sydney I guess with the hope that I would meet or at least see from a distance, some birth family, especially Judith, my birth mother! Even though I hoped for the best, I knew to also prepare for the worse.

I first went and met with my caseworker from the adoption agency in Bankstown. It was great to be able to put a face to the voice I've been communicating with the last few years. I had kinda hoped that just MAYBE my files might have been open on her desk, right at the page that has my birth fathers name on it, but it wasn't.

In our chat I mentioned my half-sisters, Judiths daughters, and how I wish that I could find them and see what they felt about having an older sister. She promised to give the little details I know about them to the Salvation Army Special Search Team, to see what they can find.. but again I was told that even if they find them, Privacy Laws stop me being told anything..but I guess they can approach them on behalf of me, and could give them my contact details.



I then took a little nostalgia trip, first to Kogarah.. to see the place I was born, St George Hospital.



It was a kind of strange feeling to know behind these walls was where I was bought into the world..and where I was left!



She walked into this building carrying me, and walked out without me. Got on with her life, and I'm fairly certain barely gave me another thought.

Then it was a drive to Penshurst. Arcadia Street.

This was the street she was living in / working in when I was born.

The house itself is no longer there. I was told by a lady in the street that that house got knocked down and there are units there now.



Then next came the big moment.

A drive across to Gymea. To the house she lives in today. The house she lives, what I imagine to be, a happy settled life, with a husband and 2 grown daughters. (I don't actually know if the daughters still live at home or have their own homes).

We slowly drove past, trying to see through curtains, behind doors, and into the garage. Then we turned around and parked on the opposite side of the road, and watched..waited for any movement. There was none.

So I got out and crossed the road and walked along the footpath right out the front. I was about 15-20 paces from my birth mothers front door! I was so close, yet still so far. I couldn't turn myself to walk up her footpath to the door. I knew I had come all this way for this moment, but rejection was a much more likely outcome then acceptance, and I just couldn't put myself into that line of fire.

We drove away.

Me on the footpath outside her house.

The next day we went back to the area again, and had lunch at the Taren Point Bowlo.. a place I had been told previously that she used to frequent, back in the day... a claim she disputes.


While there, I worked up the courage and called her. This is how that call went:

Her : Hello
Me : Hi Judy, Its me
Her : I can't talk!  (I'm assuming because her husband, who knows nothing, was home)
Me : Oh..well I'm in Sydney at the moment. How about tomorrow?
Her : No
Me : OK then, bye
Her : *click*

I know I should have insisted that she make time.. that I deserve at least that. Or maybe I should have told her that I would just come knock on the door then, regardless of who may be home. But my good nature maybe, and fear of rocking the boat prevented me.

We drove past the house again after our lunch.. stopped across the road again for a few minutes, then left.

Dis-heartened!


Also during these days I have been trying to call her brother, my uncle, Tom. I had told him a few weeks prior that I would be in Sydney in January and would like to meet him. He said to call when I was there. I called, over 3 days.. there was no answer. I guess he went away for the holidays.


The next day was to be our last day in Sydney. This would be my last chance to do anything for probably quite some time.

Again we found our spot in the shade directly across from her house. I just sat and stared.

Actually, was surprised the cops weren't called on us by someone with our stalking ways lol.

So many thoughts buzzed through my head.. I played so many different scenarios over in my mind.

A few silent tears fell.

I NEED to do something. A wave of courage washed over me. Its time to face the music Judy.

I got my phone and rang her number. I was all set to tell her I was right across the road and either she come out or I was going in!

It rang.... and rang...  and rang some more. No answer! She wasn't home!

I was beaten! Defeated! Shattered!

We had to leave.. there was nothing more I could do.

Sombrely we drove away from Sydney.


Our trip still had about 10 days to go. We went on to Wollongong and then Canberra, then we went to Gundagai. Gundagai was part of my adoption journey too because she was born and raised there in her young years. I just wanted to say I had at least been in the town she grew up.

We also did a drive to Tumut to see Marj. If you have been reading this blog since the beginning you will know that Marj's late husband was a relative of Judys father (my grandfather). I've spoken many times to Marj on the phone and meeting her face to face was lovely. And her fruit cake was delicious!  If only everyone from my birth family was as welcoming and warm as her, things would be so much brighter. She bought tears to me eyes as we left when she said to my friend Janice ' you look after her for me..she's special'!

We then did a quick trip to Adelong where a half-uncle (Judys' half brother) lives. I found his unit he lives in, but he wasn't at home either.

So that bought the end of the adoption part of our trip.. not as successful as I had hoped for, but its all part of this rollercoaster ride we call Adoption!

So basically that's where I'm at now. Which isn't really much further ahead then before.

So I thought I'd just let sleeping dogs lie, so to speak, for a while. Everyone keeps telling me, well I did my best! I've done all I can do. Maybe I have.. I don't know.

But then the other night I watched a show on the ABC (I will put up the link for it here, but it expires in about a week, so watch it soon if you want to see it)

Its based in the UK, but its basically about an adoptee exploring the pro's and con's of searching for family online, through facebook and such. I found it quite interesting and personally I could relate to a lot of how he feels.

Here's a little transcript that rings true with me, in regard to his feelings towards siblings and birth parents...

"I constantly wonder about my siblings. Every time I think about them I hope that they are all happy and that they are all together and have got each other. Maybe what's right for me is to get in touch with my siblings, but that may not be right for my siblings. And its definitely not right for my birth parents.  I want them to continue to have a good relationship......    no I just don't want to cause them any pain.. I cant.."

And another line..."Who's got the rights in this? Do you have the rights to contact your siblings? Do your birth parents have the right to prevent you?"

Does anyone have the answers??


Jono - Finding My Family Online
http://www.abc.net.au/iview/#/view/80784804