Luv Ya Cuz!!

18 October 2012 - I was out to lunch with my best friend Janice, when my phone dinged with a facebook message!

"if I can help I will do so"

Oh wow! This was from one of the inboxes I sent nearly 10 months ago..I had all but given up on getting a response from there. His name was Chris and after explaining my situation he was keen to help. He thinks my grandmother (my mothers, mother) may have been related to his great grandfather, but he would have to talk to his dad to confirm it.

I cant explain how good it felt to chat to someone that is quite possibly blood related and seems happy to talk and willing to help. A rough calculation makes us possible cousins to some degree.

We talked about family..kids..where we lived..where we worked. I was on such a buzz to be in contact with a cousin. Over the next few days we messaged each other regularly, bit by bit discovering new family information. 

Soon we skyped too. Chatting was natural between us, and before we knew it a couple hours had passed; it really was just like we were old long time mates.

After a few weeks of contact, Chris said something to me that really choked me up. It meant such a lot to me, probably more then he realises even today, and I'll always remember it. Saying goodnight one night, he said.... "luv ya cuz". 

To be accepted..to be welcomed...to be loved by a blood family member was all I had ever wanted for so long and finally I had it.

He had to go interstate for work, but we made plans to meet in person. After his work season finished he said he would drop in here for a day or 2 on his way back to Queensland. 


Early January 2013 - Finally the day arrived. It was going to be a long 8 hour or so drive for him (which ended up being about 10 hours because someone told him a shorter way to go but forgot to mention it was a bad road lol). I was like a kid on Christmas morning..so excited! Eventually he arrived about 10pm, tired and hanging for a beer! We hugged and sat up for a couple hours chatting. 

This was my cousin, he is part of my family, and he is here with me.

The Evans Head River

The next day me and James took him to Evans Head fishing. To say he is a keen fisherman would be an understatement. He even bought James a new rod and reel. Between us we caught a couple of bream and got given a flathead (I still say I caught the most lol) which we BBQ'ed up that night.

James & Chris

  

                 Me with my catch 

Again we sat up chatting and although we were still yet to 100% confirm our family connection we were both 99.9% sure we were in fact 3rd cousins. We agreed that no matter what we would always be mates regardless and both are welcome anytime to the others house.


Sadly we had to say our goodbyes the next morning. I was surprised how much it affected me, but we made a pact that we will stay in touch and we will meet up again. 

I know to him I am one of many cousins and family he has, but to me he is my ONLY one so far and I don't ever want to lose that.

I LUV YA CUZ!! <3

Using Social Media

For a while I had been toying with the idea of approaching people via facebook. As I have explained earlier, my maternal grandmother had a rather unusual maiden name, and a search on that name in facebook showed quite a few people, some where even from the same area, Tumut. 


Choosing which ones to try and send a message too was hard. This was a fairly direct, in your face approach.. I had to think carefully what I said and to whom. I didn't want to cause any dramas but I wanted information..I wanted to know if I was actually related to any of these people.


December 2011 - After discussing with my social worker at the adoption agency what I was wanting to do next, she agreed to send Judith a letter on my behalf explaining that I was going to continue my search for other family members, as well as offering to be a mediator in this and I guess indirectly giving her the opportunity to come forward herself with family members before I might do it. 

One of my favourite pics of me and my mum! <3 (My love for the colour purple started young )

My case had also been forwarded on to the Salvation Army Special Search people to help find my birthfather. They had come up with a few POSSIBLE matches. It was hard because there was only minimal information available about the father, and it was hard to narrow down the search specifically. A few letters were sent out to some of these, but all come back negative to being our person of interest.  I was also asked to write a letter to my birth father, but send it to my caseworker, so when or if the time came that they got a positive match they could forward my letter on to him.



January 2012 - I finally made the step of contacting a few people via facebook. I sent them a short inbox, just saying I was doing some family history...then I had to sit back and wait! 


Again, more waiting!

Very Detached - Place Quickly!!

October 25 2011 - Well finally, after waiting 4 months I have received my 'social and medical information' files!!

This is a massive thing for me. I am so excited but so nervous to open the envelope. What is it going to reveal?  

I've got to keep in mind that what I read in these files, still may not be accurate or truthful. I've heard many stories of birth mothers providing false information to authorities at the time by choice, need and/or coercion as well as even the authorities themselves writing whatever they want on the forms without the birthmothers knowledge or consent; such were the times!


Anyway, lets see whats in here.....

Robert : Does he know..yes! Does he acknowlegde..yes!

This is the bit I was told about earlier. On the original paper the fathers surname is written there. As you can see on my copy is a nice white empty space! According to this, my birthfather was born and educated in Tumut NSW, lived in Cronulla NSW at time of my birth, and knew and acknowledged the pregnancy and 'would if asked' contribute towards expenses.

So he knew about me? I really want to be able to find him, or even his family if he is dead as Judith has told me. I just wish I was able to know his full name.  

In the meantime my caseworker S. at the adoption agency is searching his name at Births, Deaths & Marriages. I hope something comes up there.

From what I can gather this is the social workers notes on the situation at the time

"..Judy was very calm - had not seen baby & seemed very detached...."

Reading this bought tears to my eyes. This is when it hit me that she really never did want me. In her world I really was a mistake. 

I should be grateful, and I am, that she didn't just eradicate that mistake when it first happened. I still struggle though to understand how a mother can carry a child for 9 months and not show at least a little attachment or care.

Just like a bandaid.. do it quick and its less painful? But for who?

I think she just wanted the whole thing to be over and forgotten with. Or maybe she just didn't want to see me and wanted placement done quick, because perhaps she wouldnt be able to go through with it if she did. 

Maybe she did love me..I can hope, cant I?

Nice of them to note that i was a 'pretty well formed child! Haha

Heres that Unnamed Child again.

Even with the Supreme Court of NSW, I was known as UNNAMED FEMALE CHILD! I guess its better then being given one name by birthmother, then having it changed later by adoptive parents as happened to many many adoptees. 

.. 'satisfied this placement is in best interests of the child..' 

Well like I have explained earlier I did have a good upbringing and a loving family. So maybe i was lucky and this was for the best. Who really knows.  

Also in these files was some medical reports. Some information I already knew about such as I had a 'clicky hip' and a squint in one eye, both of which must have corrected themselves as I grew because I dont have either of them issues now.  

I already knew my birthweight, 3.42kgs (or 7.5 pound in old scale) but now I knew my length at birth 53.5cm  (21") and head circumference 35.3cm (14") and my AGPAR score 7/10, then 10/10!

These files have been a real eye opener for me! I know I will spend many hours and days going over and over everything in here, trying to get a better understanding of what the situation was at the time. 

In fact it was the next day I noticed something I had missed the day before. 

On one of these forms, it listed Judiths address at the time in Penshurst Sydney NSW, but had C/O a Mr & Mrs C. (im withholding full surname from public view for their privacy). I knew Judith worked as a live in carer and domestic worker, so figured this name and address was that of her employer. 

Was this a potential link to knowing more about my birthmother and possibly birth father. The way I see it.. if I see a door even just a little ajar, I'm going to look into it..never know what I will find!

The surname of Mr & Mrs C was not a common name. A look in the white pages in the general Penshurst area found a match! I ring it. An elderly gentleman answered, I explained my situation to him and he said his aunt in Gundagai might be able to help. I ring her and got a sweet 90 yr old lady.She may be 90 but when I explained who I was and who I was asking about she remembered my birth mother. Her son was Judiths employer! Judith used to look after this ladys grandkids. He now lived in Queensland and was currently unwell, but she said she would call him and when he was better would get him to call me! 

I dont know what I'm expecting from him, or if he will even talk or remember anything. He wasnt family, he is just a link to my birthmother, right at the time that I was born, so lets hope! 

What have I got to lose, right? I just have to wait for his return call.......

Me as a bubba :)

Privacy Laws Suck!

June 2011 - It was about 12 months after my phone call to Judith, when I came across a facebook group on Australian Adoptions. Being able to read about other people and their own journeys was comforting. It seemed a good place to share experiences and offer and ask for advice. The group involved people from all aspects of adoption.... adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents and friends and families of the above-mentioned.

I decided to post a brief outline of my journey thus far. The support and advice was overwhelming. In all my years I always thought that them 2 pages of my adoption papers were all that existed. I'd never actually thought that there would be more.. hospital records.. court orders.. social worker records. But I was soon well advised that there would be all this and more that I am entitled to. This was the the spark i needed to keep going with my search.

I found the adoption agency I was processed through (which had since changed name) and had soon sent off my application for 'social and medical information' files. They said to expect a wait of up to 3 months!

Waiting..waiting...patience is not my best trait!

While waiting, I also was told I was able to send for a copy of my birthmothers own birth certificate. This would hopefully give me names of her parents, which will help me in my search for other family. 

Another form filled in and sent..more waiting!


August 2011 - It had been just over 12 months since my first and last phone call to Judith. I decided to give it another go. Maybe by now she had had time to think about it a bit more, and maybe remembered some things she had forgot last time, such as my birthfathers full name.

But nothing had changed.. there was no joy or gratefulness in her voice to hear from me, and she was still not giving me any extra information on my birthfather. She was still denying knowing him for 2 years as stated on adoption papers. 

This is so frustrating..to know that someone at sometime is outright lying, and I just need the truth and answers! Either Judith told lies back then for her own reasons, or was it the social worker/adoption agency just writing whatever they wanted on the forms way back then as it did happen in some instances..or was Judith lying now? I deserve the truth! Dont I?

August 19 2011 - OMG!! I have just received an extract of my mothers birth certificate! Her mothers maiden name is a not very common name so a quick look on ancestry.com finds her pretty fast. i know i would never be able to meet them in person....

I already knew from the papers I had that her parents both died when she was young. Her mother when Judith was only about 3. After her mothers death her father was unable to care for her and her siblings so they all got seperated to live with other people..some family, some not. Judith went to a married uncle. Her father later died when she about 10 yrs old. 


.....but this was some of the best news I had had since I started this. 

Judiths father was of Irish heritage, and her mother was of German! 

WOW!! This is the first time I have ever been able to say what some of my heritage is..I'm an Irish/German! An interesting mix.

The next few weeks were spent exploring geneology sites and trying to piece together my ancestry. Surprisingly I was able to go way back to 1764 in Ireland on my 'grandfathers' side... and to 1846 in Germany on my 'grandmothers' side.

It was so good to be able to see names and dates that actually meant something to me..all of these people may have been long passed, but they were MY heritage, something I had never been able to say before!

Going back in time looking for information is so much easier then trying to find current day information. But it was a good basis to start with. Things were looking up!


August 26 2011 - My caseworker at the adoption agency that has been helping me and supporting me called today. She had some bittersweet news. firstly my files were being compiled and would be posted to me hopefully by the end of September. And.. my fathers full name is listed on one of the files!

Wow! This is just the break I need.

But before I could get too excited, my caseworker had more to say. 

Because my birthfathers name is not officially on my birth certificate, his identity needs to be kept from me. Here is my caseworker sitting there looking at a simple name that means so much to me, but she is gagged when it comes to telling me. It has to be blanked out before they can send me copies. How cruel! But she is able to tell me his first name, just not the surname which is what I really need. 

But heres the catch..according to this file his name isnt Stewart as Judith told me 12 months ago... its Robert!

A double punch in the guts... i had been told more lies about his name, and i was also being refused to know what the exact details are on file!

This is a time when PRIVACY LAWS SUCK! and something needs to be done to change this.

Now, back to waiting for these magical "social and medical information" files that i just have a suspicion are going to impact on me hard.  

stay posted.... :)

"You Were A Mistake!!"

One of my earliest photos. Me with mum and my brother <3 1975

Rejection for the second time really hurt me. I was still having trouble understanding it. Was I a bad person? Did i deserve this? I managed to push the anxiety and pain to the side for now and focused on being a wife and mum.

It wasnt until about 3 years after that rejection letter that I got that feeling again. That feeling of needing answers... needing to know where I come from.

My son James was fast growing up. This woman was missing out on seeing her grandson.. was she that cold that she could turn her back on him too.

 

By May 2010, the need for answers got too much. After literally holding the phone in my hands for a few hours, i finally did it... i rang her!

J : Hello
Me: Hello, Judith?
J: Yes
Me: Hi, this is your daughter..that you gave up for adoption in 1975.
J: Ohhh..what do you want?

"what do i want???"

.. how about a bit of emotion from talking to your first born for the first time. 

is that too much to ask?

Me : uhmm well I just want to know a bit about where I come from and if there's any medical issues I should be aware of.
J: No there is no medical problems.
Me: OK, well what about my father? Who was he? What was his name?
J: Stewart (i later realise that she confused telling me MY fathers name with her own fathers... but for now i didnt know this and thought Stewart was it.)
Me: Stewart who? What is his last name?
J: I dont know..I dont remember. But anyway Im sorry, he's dead!
Me: What???
J: He died of a drug overdose 
Me: When?
J: A few years after you were born.



This was not what i was expecting. My voice started breaking up and the tears started running. 
I had found the woman that gave birth to me and she basically didn't want anything to do with me...and now I had just been told my birth father was dead and so I'd never get that opportunity to know him.
I was surrounded by people who loved me.. husband, son, family, and good friends, yet id never felt so alone!


Me: Well what about his family? are they still around? did they know about me?
J: they didnt know anything, and I wouldnt bother with them. I didnt really know him long
Me: but in my papers it said you knew each other for 2 years
J: No thats not right, I dont know where they got that information. It was just a one night stand. You were a mistake
Me: well it says you knew each other but just weren't ready for marriage/parenthood
J: You were a mistake!

OMG i heard u the first 2 times saying I WAS A MISTAKE....you dont have to rub it in!

Me: I'd like to try and find his family then. Are you sure you can't remember his last name
J: No I cant, it was just a one night stand and you were a mistake!

WOW!! getting told repeatedly that u are a mistake in less then 5 minutes really makes a girl feel worthless. This is not the words I was hoping to hear from her.

Time to step back again and try to forget about the whole thing..there is just too much hurt involved. Until that urge reappears, I wont be doing any more!!