Myriad of Emotions

I like to try and update here as often as I can, even when there has been no further developments or breakthroughs. I like to be able to vent and offload, possibly just to myself, of the hopes and frustrations I feel daily. But I am conscious of it sounding like I'm a miserable sad depressed person with this obsession of knowing my heritage.

My life is generally happy. I try to keep busy. I enjoy hanging out with family and friends. I laugh. I relax. But yes, I also cry, at times for no apparent reason. I retreat into a shell. I get brave. I get scared. I can not say any of these emotions and reactions are specifically 'adoption' related but I do feel for me personally that that is where a lot of it comes from.

Finding answers and developing relationships around my adoption, is always in my thoughts. I've often wondered... where is the ending? When do I say, enough is enough?

If I was to find my birthfather, alive and accepting of me, and we grew a friendship, what would I do then? Of course I would totally love getting to know him, but it's hard to explain. It's nearly like this unknown is all I've ever known and if it then became known, then what would I do. I'd be lost. Either way, I'm still pursuing the answers I need.

So where am I at today with DNA and family. My DNA matches have now risen to 282 4th cousin or closer matches. Crazy to think when I first took the DNA test just over 2 years ago it was at 44. None of the newer matches have been particularly high but I've messaged a couple to work out connections. Most are 3rd or 4th cousins so they haven't had a lot of information about Bernie, my potential birthfather.

I've spoken to Bernies nephew M. Sadly he doesn't have a much to tell me about Bernie. Just last week I posted a letter to him with one included for Lenny, just to say hi and to let them know how pleased I am to find an uncle and a 1st cousin.

My biggest wish now is to see a photo of Bernie but there doesn't seem to be any in existence but I will continue to persevere.

I am hoping I can begin to establish a kinship with them, but that is completely their choice. I wait in hope.

There's been no contact with birth mother or birth sisters. I reached out to the sisters just before Christmas but theres been nothing in return. It hurts but it's what they want. Nothing I can do about it.

But in good news, I do hear regularly from my 3rd cousin on my maternal side. He will often ring just to see how me and my family are doing. He will call me cuz and says he loves me. He makes an effort and he welcomes me as family. In fact we are meeting up again in a month and I'm so looking forward to it. He is family!