Happy Fathers Day

So again it's been nearly 6 months since my last update.  I wish I could come here and write some exciting happy uplifting news about my journey... but I've got nothing.

I sent those letters off I mentioned last time, and have never got any kind of response or reply. I guess they have no need or want for an extra family member. I've been trying to make connections with people who may be related but it's getting nowhere. 

Unless you are or have ever been in my shoes facing a similar situation, it's hard to get an understanding of this need I have to find birth family and to be accepted in their lives. It doesn't matter that I have my own family now and that I have great adoptive family and that I have great friends around me.. none of that will ever heal that break that is within me from not knowing and not being accepted by birth family. I've literally had someone close say "screw them...we are your family.. forget about them"!! It doesn't work like that.  I think I've got better at masking the hurt from those close. Or maybe I'm just more accepting of the rejection as I get older.

But I am feeling that I'm close to that point of saying, well I tried! I've put myself out there...made myself vulnerable.. opened myself up and have straight out asked for acceptance. Is there anything more I can do. Do I give up and accept defeat. I probably should. I probably can't!

It breaks my heart every time I read a happy reunion story, or how others are finding all these parents/siblings/ cousins that are so pleased to welcome a new found family member. I've had one, a 3rd cousin who has been super supportive and who makes an effort to keep in touch. But I've had a birth mother, birth sisters, numerous 1st, 2nd and 3rd cousins and Aunts/Uncles that have either rejected me or just dismissed me like yesterday's news.  I'm nothing to them. That hurts!

And to close, today marks the first day of Spring in Australia. The first day of new beginnings. The first day of fresh hope. And also it marks Fathers Day. So to my dad Dennis, I wish a Happy Fathers Day.  And to my birthfather, wherever and whoever he may be, I also wish a Happy Fathers Day.

Myriad of Emotions

I like to try and update here as often as I can, even when there has been no further developments or breakthroughs. I like to be able to vent and offload, possibly just to myself, of the hopes and frustrations I feel daily. But I am conscious of it sounding like I'm a miserable sad depressed person with this obsession of knowing my heritage.

My life is generally happy. I try to keep busy. I enjoy hanging out with family and friends. I laugh. I relax. But yes, I also cry, at times for no apparent reason. I retreat into a shell. I get brave. I get scared. I can not say any of these emotions and reactions are specifically 'adoption' related but I do feel for me personally that that is where a lot of it comes from.

Finding answers and developing relationships around my adoption, is always in my thoughts. I've often wondered... where is the ending? When do I say, enough is enough?

If I was to find my birthfather, alive and accepting of me, and we grew a friendship, what would I do then? Of course I would totally love getting to know him, but it's hard to explain. It's nearly like this unknown is all I've ever known and if it then became known, then what would I do. I'd be lost. Either way, I'm still pursuing the answers I need.

So where am I at today with DNA and family. My DNA matches have now risen to 282 4th cousin or closer matches. Crazy to think when I first took the DNA test just over 2 years ago it was at 44. None of the newer matches have been particularly high but I've messaged a couple to work out connections. Most are 3rd or 4th cousins so they haven't had a lot of information about Bernie, my potential birthfather.

I've spoken to Bernies nephew M. Sadly he doesn't have a much to tell me about Bernie. Just last week I posted a letter to him with one included for Lenny, just to say hi and to let them know how pleased I am to find an uncle and a 1st cousin.

My biggest wish now is to see a photo of Bernie but there doesn't seem to be any in existence but I will continue to persevere.

I am hoping I can begin to establish a kinship with them, but that is completely their choice. I wait in hope.

There's been no contact with birth mother or birth sisters. I reached out to the sisters just before Christmas but theres been nothing in return. It hurts but it's what they want. Nothing I can do about it.

But in good news, I do hear regularly from my 3rd cousin on my maternal side. He will often ring just to see how me and my family are doing. He will call me cuz and says he loves me. He makes an effort and he welcomes me as family. In fact we are meeting up again in a month and I'm so looking forward to it. He is family!