Sunday, 23 February 2014

Siblings have been found!

Well..about 2 days after posting the last post, on the 3rd February, through the powers of determination and social media, I located BOTH my sisters!

That's right, I've found both their profiles on facebook. So many times over the last few years  I have looked and searched and got nowhere.. but on this night I had success. I found one first, then looking back through their statuses and comments etc I was able to determine the other sister.

And..there are photos! Photos of them..their families.. and I'm fairly certain my birth mother is in a couple of the pictures. This is the first images I have ever seen of my birth family. My head is spinning! I can definitely see a physical resemblance of me in one sister in particular. I showed a couple of friends her picture and asked them if she looked familiar to them.. they all said, she looks like you? Yes!!

And looking at a photo of the woman that gave birth to me 39 years ago; The woman that walked out of St George Hospital without me. The woman that told me a couple of years ago that 'I am a mistake'!
I don't know what I'm feeling. Happy..Sad.. Excited.. Scared.. Anxious.. Frustrated.. Angry.. Hopefull!

How ironic that just a week earlier I watched that show on the ABC about Jono, searching for family online. Now I'm in exactly that same position he was.. siblings have been found, but now what do we do?

Today, as I write this, its now been 3 weeks since I first found my siblings profiles. I still haven't done anything about it, other then stalk from a distance. I'm assuming, or maybe just hoping, that one day in the future, sooner or later, my sisters will know about me and will read this blog.

So, to them I say..

"Hi! Im your older sister! You've read my story up till now. You should realise by now that I do not want to disrupt the relationships you have in your family unit. I do not hold grudges against OUR mother for what she did 39 years ago. Yes its sad that she chooses to have no contact or relationship with me.. and yes I'm frustrated that she won't/can't help me in my search for my birth father.. but that is all her choice. I respect that. What I have wanted all along was for you two girls to be offered the same choice of having contact with me. I can only imagine when you are made aware of my existence that you are going to be confused... mad.. then hopefully happy and excited! I would hope that you are both old enough and understanding enough to know that times were different back then. I don't want to be the cause of any trouble. I just would like the opportunity to get to know my sisters. But if neither of you want that, now or never, i respect that too. "

Some people have told me to send the girls a message... send them a friend request.. but I don't think that that is the right thing to do just now. I do think that Judy should be given the chance to tell them herself.. in her own way, but I know if its just left to her it will never happen.

I'm so torn.

I really don't want to cause disruption, but I also deserve to be acknowledged, don't I? I'm not one for ultimatums but how else will I ever know if my sisters want any kind of relationship.

I think I will get a good friend who understands my situation to ring Judy on my behalf. I will get them to tell her that eventually this is all going to come to a head. Give her time and warning to prepare herself for what is to come, and just maybe convince her that she should be the one to come clean to her husband and daughters, before my hand is forced.

Saturday, 1 February 2014

I was right outside her house!

Well here we are..the first month of 2014 already done and dusted!

January was quite a busy month for me. I went away with one of my friends and my son on a 3 week journey of Facing Fears, Finding Family and Having Fun!!

View from the apartment we were staying
in..24 floors up, overlooking Hyde Park
 and Sydney Harbour!

The having fun bit was easy.. a week in the inner city of Sydney doing all the fun stuff... Luna Park, Taronga Zoo, The Aquarium,
The Eye Tower, Darling Harbour, train rides, ferry rides..
and much more!



Me and James on the ferry on Sydney Harbour



Cruising past the Opera House

Luna Park
Taronga Zoo
   
The facing fears was accomplished..I drove over the Harbour Bridge and in the city! I did the SkyWalk at the Eye Tower.. 250 metres in the air with just a pane of glass between me and the street below!

Approaching the Harbour Bridge

IN the Eye Tower, 250 metres in the sky!
Outside the Eye Tower on the glass viewing deck! What a view!!

And Finding Family.... well it didn't go completely to plan!

I did catch up with some family.. family that I have known all my life.. family that may not be blood family, but they are the ones who know and love me. And although it may have been some 30+ years since I had seen some of them, they welcomed me with warm open arms.

Reuniting with my Great Aunty Belle
Catching up with my cousin Carol, my late (adoptive)
mums niece and best friend growing up!





My 2 cousins I haven't seen in over 30 years and my favourite Aunty Mary <3

But as for meeting any birth family, well, I didn't!

I went to Sydney I guess with the hope that I would meet or at least see from a distance, some birth family, especially Judith, my birth mother! Even though I hoped for the best, I knew to also prepare for the worse.

I first went and met with my caseworker from the adoption agency in Bankstown. It was great to be able to put a face to the voice I've been communicating with the last few years. I had kinda hoped that just MAYBE my files might have been open on her desk, right at the page that has my birth fathers name on it, but it wasn't.

In our chat I mentioned my half-sisters, Judiths daughters, and how I wish that I could find them and see what they felt about having an older sister. She promised to give the little details I know about them to the Salvation Army Special Search Team, to see what they can find.. but again I was told that even if they find them, Privacy Laws stop me being told anything..but I guess they can approach them on behalf of me, and could give them my contact details.



I then took a little nostalgia trip, first to Kogarah.. to see the place I was born, St George Hospital.



It was a kind of strange feeling to know behind these walls was where I was bought into the world..and where I was left!



She walked into this building carrying me, and walked out without me. Got on with her life, and I'm fairly certain barely gave me another thought.







Then it was a drive to Penshurst. Arcadia Street.

This was the street she was living in / working in when I was born.

The house itself is no longer there. I was told by a lady in the street that that house got knocked down and there are units there now.



Then next came the big moment.

A drive across to Gymea. To the house she lives in today. The house she lives, what I imagine to be, a happy settled life, with a husband and 2 grown daughters. (I don't actually know if the daughters still live at home or have their own homes).

We slowly drove past, trying to see through curtains, behind doors, and into the garage. Then we turned around and parked on the opposite side of the road, and watched..waited for any movement. There was none.

So I got out and crossed the road and walked along the footpath right out the front. I was about 15-20 paces from my birth mothers front door! I was so close, yet still so far. I couldn't turn myself to walk up her footpath to the door. I knew I had come all this way for this moment, but rejection was a much more likely outcome then acceptance, and I just couldn't put myself into that line of fire.

We drove away.

Me on the footpath outside her house.
The next day we went back to the area again, and had lunch at the Taren Point Bowlo.. a place I had been told previously that she used to frequent, back in the day... a claim she disputes.


While there, I worked up the courage and called her. This is how that call went:

Her : Hello
Me : Hi Judy, Its me
Her : I can't talk!  (I'm assuming because her husband, who knows nothing, was home)
Me : Oh..well I'm in Sydney at the moment. How about tomorrow?
Her : No
Me : OK then, bye
Her : *click*

I know I should have insisted that she make time.. that I deserve at least that. Or maybe I should have told her that I would just come knock on the door then, regardless of who may be home. But my good nature maybe, and fear of rocking the boat prevented me.

We drove past the house again after our lunch.. stopped across the road again for a few minutes, then left.

Dis-heartened!


Also during these days I have been trying to call her brother, my uncle, Tom. I had told him a few weeks prior that I would be in Sydney in January and would like to meet him. He said to call when I was there. I called, over 3 days.. there was no answer. I guess he went away for the holidays.


The next day was to be our last day in Sydney. This would be my last chance to do anything for probably quite some time.

Again we found our spot in the shade directly across from her house. I just sat and stared.

Actually, was surprised the cops weren't called on us by someone with our stalking ways lol.

So many thoughts buzzed through my head.. I played so many different scenarios over in my mind.

A few silent tears fell.

I NEED to do something. A wave of courage washed over me. Its time to face the music Judy.


I got my phone and rang her number. I was all set to tell her I was right across the road and either she come out or I was going in!

It rang.... and rang...  and rang some more. No answer! She wasn't home!

I was beaten! Defeated! Shattered!

We had to leave.. there was nothing more I could do.

Sombrely we drove away from Sydney.


Our trip still had about 10 days to go. We went on to Wollongong and then Canberra, then we went to Gundagai. Gundagai was part of my adoption journey too because she was born and raised there in her young years. I just wanted to say I had at least been in the town she grew up.

We also did a drive to Tumut to see Marj. If you have been reading this blog since the beginning you will know that Marj's late husband was a relative of Judys father (my grandfather). I've spoken many times to Marj on the phone and meeting her face to face was lovely. And her fruit cake was delicious!  If only everyone from my birth family was as welcoming and warm as her, things would be so much brighter. She bought tears to me eyes as we left when she said to my friend Janice ' you look after her for me..she's special'!

We then did a quick trip to Adelong where a half-uncle (Judys' half brother) lives. I found his unit he lives in, but he wasn't at home either.

So that bought the end of the adoption part of our trip.. not as successful as I had hoped for, but its all part of this rollercoaster ride we call Adoption!

So basically that's where I'm at now. Which isn't really much further ahead then before.

So I thought I'd just let sleeping dogs lie, so to speak, for a while. Everyone keeps telling me, well I did my best! I've done all I can do. Maybe I have.. I don't know.

But then the other night I watched a show on the ABC (I will put up the link for it here, but it expires in about a week, so watch it soon if you want to see it)

Its based in the UK, but its basically about an adoptee exploring the pro's and con's of searching for family online, through facebook and such. I found it quite interesting and personally I could relate to a lot of how he feels.

Here's a little transcript that rings true with me, in regard to his feelings towards siblings and birth parents...

"I constantly wonder about my siblings. Every time I think about them I hope that they are all happy and that they are all together and have got each other. Maybe what's right for me is to get in touch with my siblings, but that may not be right for my siblings. And its definitely not right for my birth parents.  I want them to continue to have a good relationship......    no I just don't want to cause them any pain.. I cant.."


And another line..."Who's got the rights in this? Do you have the rights to contact your siblings? Do your birth parents have the right to prevent you?"

Does anyone have the answers??


Jono - Finding My Family Online
http://www.abc.net.au/iview/#/view/80784804