I've been trying to write a new post in this blog since February, but I never seem to get far before I give up, as I'm not even sure what to write, but this time I'm determined to just write and post so forgive me if it appears a little scattered and boring.
So yes, 2016! Can you believe it and into March already!! Will soon be Christmas :P
It's been quite some time since my last post, the one where I shared a photo of my newly discovered birth father. But since then there hasn't really been much more happen on this journey .. good or bad. Perhaps we can look at it like the rollercoaster is just sitting idle waiting for the next run. I'm in the front seat ready and waiting!
My birthday came and went last month.. the anniversary of the day my birthmother made that decision that she didn't want to be my mother. For some reason it felt a little bit tougher this year then it has in the past. I was really hoping to be thought of by those connected by blood. And I think what made it a little bit more emotional was 2 days after my birthday was the birthday of my birthfather. I'm nearly certain (well I certainly hope) that had he of been alive he would have thought of me.. he would have cared.
As I have said in an earlier post...how can I miss someone so bad that I never ever got the chance to meet. I feel so ripped off that myself, nor him had that opportunity. I want to know so much about him. I want to know what of him lives on in me.
[insert a small break here, until my eyes clear from a little cry]
And whilst I have spoken a few times to his siblings and nieces etc.. and they are all beautiful people who do accept me as his and are nothing but warm and friendly when we do talk, I just wish we talked more often so I felt a bond growing and so I felt a little easier asking weird and random questions about him. But I also need to understand, that this is their brother.. their uncle that they lost over 40 years ago. It might hurt them to bring up the past. I'm sure they miss him too.. and there's probably a lot that they just don't remember.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll reach out again. I always feel happy after I do.
On the other side of the coin...
...well its still a little tarnished.
There's been no further contact with my birthsisters or birth mother. Not that I haven't wanted to, particularly this last week they have been in my thoughts, but they have their life to live and their families to care for. Maybe one day I'll be welcomed. I read so many 'searching for' and 'happy reunion' stories. I just wish that one day I'll be able to share that story.
Until then, this is my story!
