The Road to Gundagai, and my truth!

What a ride this last month has been!

 

I started to write this entry 3 weeks ago right at a crucial part of this rollercoaster ride, but thought I'd lost it.. but with the wonders of modern technology I have just discovered the first paragraph was still saved...this was it :

 

29th September 2016 - The Road to Gundagai and my truth.

 

So six months since my last entry.. and today I write this one as I'm sitting in the car on the road to Gundagai! That's right, I am finally going to find the resting place of Bobby Paton.. the man who I believe fathered me over 41 years ago and passed before he even knew I was created.

After stopping at Gundagai I'll also be going on to Wagga Wagga to meet Bobbys sister, my aunty, and getting a peace of mind DNA test done with her to truly confirm that Bobby was my father. You see, so far we can only assume and hope that this is the case going on the information I've collected over the years but there has always been some indiscrepencies.

 

That's all that was saved from that entry I was writing at the time, so now to continue I will put myself back in the car approaching Gundagai....

 

With every sign post we pass that says ' Gundagai - 80km ..... Gundagai - 50km', my heart beats a little faster and my stomach does all kinds of twists. Tears well in my eyes as the enormity of what I'm about to do hits me. This is something that I thought I would never have the opportunity to do. For so many years now I thought there was no chance of ever finding who my birthfather was. Everything was against me; government beaurocracy, deceit, lies and secrets. Then came the breakthrough of finally getting a name.. to then tracking down that person only to discover that he had passed away, to now going to finally meet him at his resting place. I've only been able to imagine this day but now I'm living it.

 

We enter the township of Gundagai and turn down the road towards the cemetery.

 

 

 

 I can barely see through blurry eyes but we pull up at the gate. I've been told its an unmarked grave, just to the left as you enter the gate, with a blue vase on top. His parents also lay unmarked next to him.

 

Walking through the gate, wiping my eyes to focus on what lays ahead, and I see the vase.

 

Slowly I walk in to the gravesite, then just stop and stare. Staring at a pile of dirt has never felt so emotional and so gut wrenching. The tears start to fall heavier now and even though my supportive husband and son were right beside me, I was in my own little world for just a few moments talking to my birthfather for the first time. They weren't words coming out of my mouth, they were coming out of my heart going directly to Bobby. I told him I missed him and I wish that I had had a chance to know him. I told him that I know he was a good person and that I know he has come from a good family who have welcomed me. I told him that I loved him!

 

I also said hi to his sister that is buried with him and his parents that are beside him. My Aunty and Grandparents.

 

I looked up to the sky.... perfectly blue with not a cloud in site. Whilst his body is buried below me, I know he is way up there looking down on me.

I hope he is proud. I hope he watches over me. I hope he loves me.

Just at that moment a bird appeared in the sky..circled around and then flew off.

Thankyou Bobby!

 

I placed some flowers, yellow roses, into their vases, and sat with them all for a bit.
No words, just pure emotions.

 

 

So as I stand up to walk away, I pick up 2 pieces of rock from his gravesite and hold them tight in my hand. Now I will always have something tangible that I can hold to be close to him. It may just be rock, but now it is one of my most sacred possessions.

 

 

Time to go and continue on to Wagga Wagga to meet his sister Beryl and to get this all confirmed with DNA tomorrow. An hour or so later, we are pulling up at her house. I've spoken many times over the phone to her but this will be the first time meeting her.

I'm greeted with an excited hello and a warm hug, and told 'come and meet the family'! Out the back there were nieces and nephews and cousins all waiting to meet me. It was a little overwhelming at first for me, but they were all beautiful people and I soon felt more at ease.  It was great getting to know these people and what was even more overwhelming was when I heard

"I showed your photo to someone? and they said you look just like grandma, or aunty ?'.. people were seeing physical similarities. Then also there was mention of a letter that was found some time ago, but cant be located just now that was from Judy (my birthmother) to Bobby saying she had had the baby! Oh how I wish that letter is found and that I can see it!!

 

We stayed the night then the next day we were to have our DNA tested. 12 months ago we first discussed getting DNA done and were told it was possible to get a 'peace of mind' test done on an aunty/niece relationship. We already felt sure that I was the daughter of Bobby Paton, but for my own peace of mind I wanted the test. Beryl had already accepted me as her niece and she said regardless of what the results say, she will always be my aunty.

 

Into the pathology rooms we go, for a quick, simple cheek swab of saliva, then that was it.
An 8-10 day wait for the results!

I felt excited but anxious. I wanted answers. I wanted the truth. But what if it isn't the answer I'm hoping for. What if the truth takes this family from me again. But also what if this gives me a whole new family to get to know, and what if I can finally know my roots and confidently say Bobby Paton was my birth father. 8-10 days is going to take forever. But I've done this waiting game before.. I can do it again now.
 

We left Wagga Wagga the next morning and saying goodbye to Beryl was hard.

 We promised to stay in touch and to meet again. We agreed regardless of results she will be my aunty. She told me she loved me!

But then, a couple of hours into our long trip home I got a phone call...from the DNA lab. We had only done the test yesterday.

"Im sorry but the test you had done yesterday isn't suitable for testing Aunt/Niece relationships.. you need to do the twice as expensive test..shall we charge your credit card with the new amount of $1000!!!"   "NO!!!!"

I argued with her that I did the one that I was told to, by someone at that labs 12 months ago, and that there was no way we could afford to pay more right now. I usually keep pretty level headed about things but on this I really lost my shit!! I got off the phone in tears. I was so mad. Again I had the universe against me in knowing my truth. I emailed the labs just so they understood how much this was doing to me, demanding they fix their stuff up!

They replied saying it was going to the supervisor for consideration.

A few days later they rang to say they were doing the other more expensive testing but for the original price. We would get a result in a few days.

And in just a few days we got the results.

Opening that envelope, my heart was racing. This is it! Finally I'm going to get some truth.
The first couple of pages were just our details and explanation about what DNA is. Then came the results page! A lot of numbers... what does it all mean?

Then there in simple text is our answer...

 

BOOM! TAKE THAT!

I'm in shock and disbelief. It can't be true. We were all so sure. I must say I was NOT prepared for this. I'm totally gutted and feeling so lost. If Bobby Paton isn't my father, then who is?

This puts me right back to square one with nothing to work with.

Calling Beryl to tell her was one of the hardest phone calls I've had to make. She was in as much disbelief as I was. She reassured me that she would still be my aunty even though the DNA said she wasn't. I appreciate this and will always love her dearly, but I still now have this void about who is my father. She understands that it is something that I feel I need to know. So she reminds me of something that she did tell me many months ago, but that I hadn't gone into great depth with as I was sure I was on the right path with her brother being my father. She told me there is another Robert Paton that was from Gundagai that was related to her family, but she didn't know much about him.

So now I have a new path to venture down to see where it may take me. I've found the impossible before with my determination and dedication; I'm sure I'll do it again.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE I AM FROM!

And whilst this DNA test didn't give me the answer I wanted, it did give me an answer. And to give me some more help and guidance I have now received the Ancestry DNA kit. This will allow me to load my DNA details onto a DNA website and hopefully show up some matches with anyone else from anywhere in the world that may have had their DNA tested... I've got nothing to lose, right?

So the kit is here...

... I need to go spit!

A month of birthdays!

Welcome to 2016!

I've been trying to write a new post in this blog since February, but I never seem to get far before I give up, as I'm not even sure what to write, but this time I'm determined to just write and post so forgive me if it appears a little scattered and boring.

So yes, 2016! Can you believe it and into March already!! Will soon be Christmas :P

It's been quite some time since my last post, the one where I shared a photo of my newly discovered birth father. But since then there hasn't really been much more happen on this journey .. good or bad. Perhaps we can look at it like the rollercoaster is just sitting idle waiting for the next run. I'm in the front seat ready and waiting!

My birthday came and went last month.. the anniversary of the day my birthmother made that decision that she didn't want to be my mother. For some reason it felt a little bit tougher this year then it has in the past. I was really hoping to be thought of by those connected by blood. And I think what made it a little bit more emotional was 2 days after my birthday was the birthday of my birthfather. I'm nearly certain (well I certainly hope) that had he of been alive he would have thought of me.. he would have cared.

As I have said in an earlier post...how can I miss someone so bad that I never ever got the chance to meet. I feel so ripped off that myself, nor him had that opportunity. I want to know so much about him. I want to know what of him lives on in me.

[insert a small break here, until my eyes clear from a little cry]

And whilst I have spoken a few times to his siblings and nieces etc.. and they are all beautiful people who do accept me as his and are nothing but warm and friendly when we do talk, I just wish we talked more often so I felt a bond growing and so I felt a little easier asking weird and random questions about him. But I also need to understand, that this is their brother.. their uncle that they lost over 40 years ago. It might hurt them to bring up the past. I'm sure they miss him too.. and there's probably a lot that they just don't remember.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll reach out again. I always feel happy after I do.


On the other side of the coin...

...well its still a little tarnished.

There's been no further contact with my birthsisters or birth mother. Not that I haven't wanted to, particularly this last week they have been in my thoughts, but they have their life to live and their families to care for. Maybe one day I'll be welcomed. I read so many 'searching for' and 'happy reunion' stories. I just wish that one day I'll be able to share that story.

Until then, this is my story!