The closest I've ever been....sample processing!!

I just want my answers. 

I just want to know if he is the one! And if he is, I need to know does he accept me. 

This unknown and this never ending void and uncertainty that constantly surrounds me can become so unbearable. I know I'm not my usual happy self lately because of this.

Every day that passes is a day less that could potentially be spent getting to know him.

Everyone in this world is different. Everyone acts different and everyone reacts different, to situations. There's no right and theres no wrong.. its just as it is.

I often think if I was approached out of the blue by someone saying I think you might be my aunty or my sister or my mother or my cousin, I'd be busting at the seams to work out how. I'd want to know all about them and would continue to develop a friendship, a kinship. Well thats how I'd hope I would react. 

Maybe thats just the idealistic 'in a perfect world' scene.  

But who lives in a perfect world?? What is perfect?

Realistically, if I actually sit and think about it, there isn't a lot of families where everyone gets along with everyone, or that all communicate with each other regularly, be it daily., weekly, monthly or even yearly.  Sure everyone will gather together at funerals and weddings (if you're invited) and we're all 'friends' with family on facebook but in all honesty how many people ring them up just to say hi how you doing..  or pop around for a coffee or a beer?

Putting the adoption part of it to the side for a moment and thinking about my own cousins for example, I can remember as kids we'd all get together over the Christmas holidays at the grandparents house. But as we grow up, move away, have families of our own.. we all start to have our own lives and drift apart. 

I have cousins that live less then 30 minutes away but it had been probanly 20 years since I had seen or spoken to most of them.. and what made us reconnect if not only briefly a few months ago... a funeral! A first cousin who was only 50 that passed from cancer and I  didnt even know until 2 days after she passed. 

That was really tough! 

Maybe its a case of not appreciating what you have got till its gone; taking life..people.. for granted! Maybe we should all reach out to family more often, not just at certain occasions. And not just family..,everyone! 

Life is short.. tell those you love that you love them! 

Make sure those that are important to you know they are.

So back to my journey. 

Again its been way too long since I last updated. I've started to a few times, then just couldn't find the words. I've had lots I want to say and express, I've had multitudes of emotions, but I've struggled to put it on paper. I have also been mindful of what I say so as not to hurt or upset anyone. But this is my page, my blog. Its meant to be an honest and open record of events and emotions that I experience.

So, if you recall from my last post, I had a close cousin match appear on my ancestry dna matches and I had tried to reach out to him. His match started my lead to this other gentleman, I'll refer to as LM, being a possible candidate of being my birthfather. After tracking down and speaking to a couple of other cousins of my close dna match, they agreed to submit a dna sample as well to help determine if we were on the right path. When their results came in it showed them as an even higher match then my first. 

We are definitely on the right track. More research and many hours later, I feel we are getting closer. We narrow it down to one of 3 brothers. One passed away before I was even a twinkle in anyones eye..rules him out. The other passed 20 odd years ago, with no known children so he remains a possibility but we cant test to be sure. This leaves LM as our only option to test with.

I find out his sons name, M, and his ex-wifes. I get an address and phone number for them. I sit on it. How do I possibly present myself to these people as a possible immediate member of their family. My past experience with reaching out to birth parent and birth sibling hasn't exactly gone down too well.. makes me nervous to try again. But I know I cant leave it too long..like I said earlier, life is short!

A little while later, its February 5th.. my birthday. and that afternoon I get a wonderful surprise! Another 2 high matches appear on my dna results. Laurie and Leigh.

Straight away I message them to say I'd love to find how we are connected. A couple weeks later I get a reply and I discover they are the grandsons of one of LM's sisters. They don't have a great lof of info on their grandmothers family but they are super excited and pleased to welcome me as a cousin! Finally some success and some happy news, and we still now continue to keep in touch as my journey continues. With some new found courage and determination I decide I need to make this phone call to M, the son of LM, my potential half brother.

My hearts racing, palms are sweaty. March 2018, I ring! 

His elderly mother answers who starts to take down my contact details but before she finished he arrived home and took the call.

I briefly explain who I am and my situation, then I gently drop the bombshell that I think his father may be my father too! He kinda giggles at that thought and says nah it wouldn't be my dad..then calls out to his mum and asks 'when did you and dad split up'? She answers nonchalantly, ' over 40 years ago!!'. I said I'm 43! He says ' wow ok.. hmmm yeah maybe huh!' I explain more how my dna matches have led me to believe my father either has to be LM or LM's late brother. I say the only way to 100% confirm which one is if he or LM were willing to do a dna test which I understand is a huge thing to ask of anyone. He asks a little more about who my birthmother is and if I could send him any photos of her, so when he next sees his dad he can ask him about it, and to ring him back in a few days. When I ring back, M explains that as his dad is deaf communication can be a little difficult but he tried to explain as best he could. It didn't spark any memories with LM but Im not sure how much or what he understood of what M was saying to him. M says that he is willing to go ahead with getting dna anyway, with the help from his own son, so that we can all know for certain if I am a daughter of LM.

Whilst M seemed ok to me over the phone, I still couldn't help but sense some trepidation from him. I guess it is understandable, here I am just announcing myself as possible family from out of the blue, I cant blame him for being cautious and careful. Im not after anything..just to know who the man is that helped create me, and to know my blood family.

I spent many sleepless nights and shed many tears privately as I started to believe I may soon know who my birthfather is, but also scared that I may yet again be rejected. It took a little longer than I hoped, for their own reasons, till they got around to getting a dna sample from LM but after many long months, I can now finally say the dna sample of LM has been submitted to the dna lab...

 ..and as I write this today it is in the 'Sample Processing' stage. 

They say it can take anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months for results to be ready.

So thats where im up to today.. waiting!

And living in hope.

And just in interests sake, when i first submitted my dna sample back in October 2016, nearly 2 years ago, it first showed 44 x 4th cousin or closer matches.. today it stands at 212!!! 

...

The wonders of DNA!

Here's hoping that my next post is soon, and is announcinng some great positive news!

DNA Doesn't Lie

So its been quite some time again since my last post..in fact 10 months! At this point I'm still yet to know for certain who my birthfather is... but I feel its getting closer.

One thing with taking on this challenge is that you become quite determined to leave no stone unturned and I do so many investigative google searches and facebook searches and birth death marriage searches... so many notes and names and dates scribbled... sometimes I think I know more info on peoples history and family tree then they themselves do.

It can seem a little invasive..especially when I reach out to them saying 'I believe I'm related to you / your cousin / your aunty / your grandparent etc'... but yet cant explain exactly how. I'm lucky though because majority of people that I have approached have been good about it.. giving me names or locations of people that become another link in the chain...connecting me a little closer.

Before I get more into where I'm up to today, a follow up from what I mentioned in my last post 10 months ago. The daughter of the second R Paton was going to do a dna test.. I haven't heard any more on this so can just assume she's decided not to or has forgot. Also I messaged the other Robert that a friend knew but again it was never answered. I've not dwelt on this though because I'm now more focussed on researching the info that I get from my dna results on ancestry.com rather then the word of a woman (my birthmother) thats been proven to lie/deny on many things.

So when I first got my dna results there was 44 x 4th cousin or closer matches.

As of today I have 144!!

As explained in my previous post many matches I can conect to my bm side of the family..the ones I can't connect I can only assume belong on my birthfathers side although not always the case. And even knowing or assuming them matches to be paternal it's still very tricky to work out just where we might connect. It often means going back 3..4.. even 5 generations, then going across to their siblings and back down the generations... the possibilities seem endless sometimes.

It's like looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack.. or a tiny speck of chromosome in an olympic sized gene pool!!

So, about May last year a new match popped up on my dna matches... and it was the highest I'd had... according to Ancestry.com a possible 1st or 2nd cousin!

This is a huge step forward. After so many dead ends and brick walls this was a breakthrough.


The graphs below shows in simple terms what the centimorgan and DNA segment numbers can indicate of a relationship and how that relationship is connected to you.

I started to get excited even allowing myself to think that just maybe by sundown this day I'd know who my biological father was. It'll be pretty easy to work that out now having a first or second cousin to work from. How wrong I was. Here I am 8 months later and still not quite cracked it. Lets call this match JC. I messaged JC via ancestry and then found him on facebook and messaged him but my messages go unseen.....this is killing me.


Talk to me!! You are the link to solving my mystery..don't you realise how important this is!!


I'm getting frustrated... desperate times call for desperate measures. So from his facebook page I'm able to determine who his mother is. I message her just asking her to get JC to check and answer my message to him. She asks is there something she can help with? So with shaky fingers I tell her the back story. Her sons dna matches up with mine and I want to find out how...through who??

Without publishing too much of their family's private personal lives on here.. I'll just say that I, with the most awesome search angel... researcher and friend, M have pretty much narrowed it down to JCs fathers side... and we are quite sure then to JCs fathers mothers side! We are close. We have a possible candidate but I'm holding myself back from getting too excited. I've been here before to only have it all crumble beneath me. But its hard not to get excited as well. Its all adding up... JC's Great Grandparent is the same person as my potential grandparent.

We have his name.. he's elderly and possibly not in the best health. Hes deaf and so verbal communication is difficult. He's in a nursing home 'in Sydney'.. have a possible suburb. He has a son that would know nothing of me. He has an ex-wife that he is still friends with but would know nothing of me. He may....or may not be my father!! How do I approach him or his family without the risk of totally disrupting their lives. This feels so much more scary and gut churning then it did the first time. Maybe because intuitively I feel this could be the one!! I've talked with a potential first cousin who agrees I could be on the right track!! I just need to keep chipping away at the info I've been given and see if I can strike gold!!

Lets hope its not too long till I update with some good news!!! 

Discovering my Ethnicity

I've been wanting to add an entry for a few weeks now but with no exciting news to tell I wasn't sure if I should. But this blog is not just about keeping track of each step forward and the many push backs, its also a place to just unload for me.

Some people may think I obsess over this adoption stuff..maybe I do. But its something that never goes away.. its never far from my thoughts.

  

 I still find it really hard to deal with and accept that my own birthmother refuses to have me any part of her life. What did I ever do to deserve that kind of treatment. Wasn't I good enough..am I still not good enough?? And why do my sisters refuse to accept me?




I read so many reunion stories and I know there are many many failed reunions and many more second rejections, but there are also many happy reunions and welcoming families. Why cant mine be one of them?

I know I was 'lucky' to be put into a good family but there's still that underlying hurt and ache that not many people could understand. There are often days that I do just sit and cry about it.

Its a sadness; an anger, an emptiness, and a loneliness even when I'm in a room full of people.

I don't know if it will ever go away. Has the irreparable damage been done?

I wonder even if they were to make contact today, would these feelings change? I could only hope so.

I know I have lots of things to be thankful for, and I am; my family..my friends. But just understand there are times when I just retreat, when I seem pre-occupied and go within myself, sometimes even subconsciously.

So anyway, I sent my dna sample off to Ancestry.com  late last year and a few weeks later I got results. The first thing I see from my results are my ethnicity origins.

From tracing my birthmothers family tree back to the 1700s I knew I had Irish and German in me but was clueless as to what I had from my birthfather. Its always made a good guessing competition as I've had people say to me that they can see everything from Maori.. to Aboriginal.. to Italian.
Well this answers it..

Im 41% Great British

40% Irish

And 15% Europe East which includes areas such as Poland, Russia, Latvia and German

And 4% of other trace regions.

So there you go. Predominantly I'm British and Irish, there's no Kiwi or Koori in me!

I'm guessing the British must be from my birthfathers side.

     

As well as giving me my ethnicity information the DNA test also shows any dna matches I have with other people that have done their test with Ancestry. When I first got these results there was about 44 matches of 4th cousin or closer...today its up to 68 matches.

I am very lucky and very grateful that I have a couple of ladies that are helping me decipher it all because I'm at a total loss as to how to read the results and compare family trees etc.

There's also a number of really good facebook groups that are very helpful and supportive when dealing with dna.

So from these matches I've emailed and conversed with a couple of 3rd cousins, all on my mothers side. Its a tricky and confusing process, well for me it is, to find the link as to where these people are on my family tree. With the assistance of my helpers we've been able to determine most to be on the birthmothers side. By law of elimination I can only assume the matches that we cant find the connection to are then branches on my birthfathers side.. but there are so many variables and broken connections its a really really difficult process. I thank my 2 helpers immensely for putting in many hours to try and bring me answers. One day I hope we make a breakthrough...and that breakthrough may come soon.


You may recall in my last post, after I got the devastating news that the dna test I had with who I thought was my aunty was negative, that I mentioned there is another man by the same name that might be worth following up. Well I have followed it up.


I have spoken to this mans sister who seems really keen to help if she can. Whilst she hasn't spoken to him direct she has talked to his daughter who has offered to do the ancestry dna test as well, so that will give me an answer one way or another, as to whether this man might be the one! Im anxiously and impatiently waiting for word that the test has been done.




And while I wait for that, another door has appeared that needs to be looked into. A number of years ago I made a post on facebook with me and a sign I made with the details I had on my birthfather (details that still to this day cant be confirmed as 100% accurate but its what Ive been told). This post surfaced again recently and a friend here has a friend in Tumut, who knows someone that fits his description, including the name Robert. I guess its unlikely but I cant not investigate a little further. So I have messaged him via facebook and sent a friend request...... and now I wait till he sees it.


Waiting! So much of this journey is waiting. A day feels like a week, and a week feels like a month.

I'll leave you with a mantra I need to remind myself of regularly....

The Road to Gundagai, and my truth!

What a ride this last month has been!

 

I started to write this entry 3 weeks ago right at a crucial part of this rollercoaster ride, but thought I'd lost it.. but with the wonders of modern technology I have just discovered the first paragraph was still saved...this was it :

 

29th September 2016 - The Road to Gundagai and my truth.

 

So six months since my last entry.. and today I write this one as I'm sitting in the car on the road to Gundagai! That's right, I am finally going to find the resting place of Bobby Paton.. the man who I believe fathered me over 41 years ago and passed before he even knew I was created.

After stopping at Gundagai I'll also be going on to Wagga Wagga to meet Bobbys sister, my aunty, and getting a peace of mind DNA test done with her to truly confirm that Bobby was my father. You see, so far we can only assume and hope that this is the case going on the information I've collected over the years but there has always been some indiscrepencies.

 

That's all that was saved from that entry I was writing at the time, so now to continue I will put myself back in the car approaching Gundagai....

 

With every sign post we pass that says ' Gundagai - 80km ..... Gundagai - 50km', my heart beats a little faster and my stomach does all kinds of twists. Tears well in my eyes as the enormity of what I'm about to do hits me. This is something that I thought I would never have the opportunity to do. For so many years now I thought there was no chance of ever finding who my birthfather was. Everything was against me; government beaurocracy, deceit, lies and secrets. Then came the breakthrough of finally getting a name.. to then tracking down that person only to discover that he had passed away, to now going to finally meet him at his resting place. I've only been able to imagine this day but now I'm living it.

 

We enter the township of Gundagai and turn down the road towards the cemetery.

 

 

 

 I can barely see through blurry eyes but we pull up at the gate. I've been told its an unmarked grave, just to the left as you enter the gate, with a blue vase on top. His parents also lay unmarked next to him.

 

Walking through the gate, wiping my eyes to focus on what lays ahead, and I see the vase.

 

Slowly I walk in to the gravesite, then just stop and stare. Staring at a pile of dirt has never felt so emotional and so gut wrenching. The tears start to fall heavier now and even though my supportive husband and son were right beside me, I was in my own little world for just a few moments talking to my birthfather for the first time. They weren't words coming out of my mouth, they were coming out of my heart going directly to Bobby. I told him I missed him and I wish that I had had a chance to know him. I told him that I know he was a good person and that I know he has come from a good family who have welcomed me. I told him that I loved him!

 

I also said hi to his sister that is buried with him and his parents that are beside him. My Aunty and Grandparents.

 

I looked up to the sky.... perfectly blue with not a cloud in site. Whilst his body is buried below me, I know he is way up there looking down on me.

I hope he is proud. I hope he watches over me. I hope he loves me.

Just at that moment a bird appeared in the sky..circled around and then flew off.

Thankyou Bobby!

 

I placed some flowers, yellow roses, into their vases, and sat with them all for a bit.
No words, just pure emotions.

 

 

So as I stand up to walk away, I pick up 2 pieces of rock from his gravesite and hold them tight in my hand. Now I will always have something tangible that I can hold to be close to him. It may just be rock, but now it is one of my most sacred possessions.

 

 

Time to go and continue on to Wagga Wagga to meet his sister Beryl and to get this all confirmed with DNA tomorrow. An hour or so later, we are pulling up at her house. I've spoken many times over the phone to her but this will be the first time meeting her.

I'm greeted with an excited hello and a warm hug, and told 'come and meet the family'! Out the back there were nieces and nephews and cousins all waiting to meet me. It was a little overwhelming at first for me, but they were all beautiful people and I soon felt more at ease.  It was great getting to know these people and what was even more overwhelming was when I heard

"I showed your photo to someone? and they said you look just like grandma, or aunty ?'.. people were seeing physical similarities. Then also there was mention of a letter that was found some time ago, but cant be located just now that was from Judy (my birthmother) to Bobby saying she had had the baby! Oh how I wish that letter is found and that I can see it!!

 

We stayed the night then the next day we were to have our DNA tested. 12 months ago we first discussed getting DNA done and were told it was possible to get a 'peace of mind' test done on an aunty/niece relationship. We already felt sure that I was the daughter of Bobby Paton, but for my own peace of mind I wanted the test. Beryl had already accepted me as her niece and she said regardless of what the results say, she will always be my aunty.

 

Into the pathology rooms we go, for a quick, simple cheek swab of saliva, then that was it.
An 8-10 day wait for the results!

I felt excited but anxious. I wanted answers. I wanted the truth. But what if it isn't the answer I'm hoping for. What if the truth takes this family from me again. But also what if this gives me a whole new family to get to know, and what if I can finally know my roots and confidently say Bobby Paton was my birth father. 8-10 days is going to take forever. But I've done this waiting game before.. I can do it again now.
 

We left Wagga Wagga the next morning and saying goodbye to Beryl was hard.

 We promised to stay in touch and to meet again. We agreed regardless of results she will be my aunty. She told me she loved me!

But then, a couple of hours into our long trip home I got a phone call...from the DNA lab. We had only done the test yesterday.

"Im sorry but the test you had done yesterday isn't suitable for testing Aunt/Niece relationships.. you need to do the twice as expensive test..shall we charge your credit card with the new amount of $1000!!!"   "NO!!!!"

I argued with her that I did the one that I was told to, by someone at that labs 12 months ago, and that there was no way we could afford to pay more right now. I usually keep pretty level headed about things but on this I really lost my shit!! I got off the phone in tears. I was so mad. Again I had the universe against me in knowing my truth. I emailed the labs just so they understood how much this was doing to me, demanding they fix their stuff up!

They replied saying it was going to the supervisor for consideration.

A few days later they rang to say they were doing the other more expensive testing but for the original price. We would get a result in a few days.

And in just a few days we got the results.

Opening that envelope, my heart was racing. This is it! Finally I'm going to get some truth.
The first couple of pages were just our details and explanation about what DNA is. Then came the results page! A lot of numbers... what does it all mean?

Then there in simple text is our answer...

 

BOOM! TAKE THAT!

I'm in shock and disbelief. It can't be true. We were all so sure. I must say I was NOT prepared for this. I'm totally gutted and feeling so lost. If Bobby Paton isn't my father, then who is?

This puts me right back to square one with nothing to work with.

Calling Beryl to tell her was one of the hardest phone calls I've had to make. She was in as much disbelief as I was. She reassured me that she would still be my aunty even though the DNA said she wasn't. I appreciate this and will always love her dearly, but I still now have this void about who is my father. She understands that it is something that I feel I need to know. So she reminds me of something that she did tell me many months ago, but that I hadn't gone into great depth with as I was sure I was on the right path with her brother being my father. She told me there is another Robert Paton that was from Gundagai that was related to her family, but she didn't know much about him.

So now I have a new path to venture down to see where it may take me. I've found the impossible before with my determination and dedication; I'm sure I'll do it again.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE I AM FROM!

And whilst this DNA test didn't give me the answer I wanted, it did give me an answer. And to give me some more help and guidance I have now received the Ancestry DNA kit. This will allow me to load my DNA details onto a DNA website and hopefully show up some matches with anyone else from anywhere in the world that may have had their DNA tested... I've got nothing to lose, right?

So the kit is here...

... I need to go spit!

A month of birthdays!

Welcome to 2016!

I've been trying to write a new post in this blog since February, but I never seem to get far before I give up, as I'm not even sure what to write, but this time I'm determined to just write and post so forgive me if it appears a little scattered and boring.

So yes, 2016! Can you believe it and into March already!! Will soon be Christmas :P

It's been quite some time since my last post, the one where I shared a photo of my newly discovered birth father. But since then there hasn't really been much more happen on this journey .. good or bad. Perhaps we can look at it like the rollercoaster is just sitting idle waiting for the next run. I'm in the front seat ready and waiting!

My birthday came and went last month.. the anniversary of the day my birthmother made that decision that she didn't want to be my mother. For some reason it felt a little bit tougher this year then it has in the past. I was really hoping to be thought of by those connected by blood. And I think what made it a little bit more emotional was 2 days after my birthday was the birthday of my birthfather. I'm nearly certain (well I certainly hope) that had he of been alive he would have thought of me.. he would have cared.

As I have said in an earlier post...how can I miss someone so bad that I never ever got the chance to meet. I feel so ripped off that myself, nor him had that opportunity. I want to know so much about him. I want to know what of him lives on in me.

[insert a small break here, until my eyes clear from a little cry]

And whilst I have spoken a few times to his siblings and nieces etc.. and they are all beautiful people who do accept me as his and are nothing but warm and friendly when we do talk, I just wish we talked more often so I felt a bond growing and so I felt a little easier asking weird and random questions about him. But I also need to understand, that this is their brother.. their uncle that they lost over 40 years ago. It might hurt them to bring up the past. I'm sure they miss him too.. and there's probably a lot that they just don't remember.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll reach out again. I always feel happy after I do.


On the other side of the coin...

...well its still a little tarnished.

There's been no further contact with my birthsisters or birth mother. Not that I haven't wanted to, particularly this last week they have been in my thoughts, but they have their life to live and their families to care for. Maybe one day I'll be welcomed. I read so many 'searching for' and 'happy reunion' stories. I just wish that one day I'll be able to share that story.

Until then, this is my story!

The Photo I've Been Longing To See!!

What an amazing emotional day its been for me today!

I got to see a coupe of photos of the man I believe to be my father, Bobby Paton!

A day I've been waiting for a long time and never thought would happen.

The moment I laid eyes on him, a tear fell.... followed by quite a few more.. and are falling again now as I type this.

What a handsome gentle soul he looks.

I was told that 'all the ladies thought he was good looking' and I can see why!

Beautiful dark curls!

Oh I wish he was still here. I wish he had a chance to know me and for me to know him.

My next road trip will definately be back to Gundagai to see his resting place.

Here is... Bobby Paton

♥

Bobby's Girl

And so, another 3 months have passed since my last entry. I must say its been quite a progressive and interesting time.

After being about 6 months and not hearing anything more from my birth sister since the initial contact, I was feeling that hurt of rejection surface all over again.

I'd written to her asking if she would help me with obtaining that critical piece of paper from the adoption agency with my birth fathers name on it (it could only be released to my birthmother upon her request) but had no response so I was getting desperate. I NEEDED to know and they were my only chance to get it. So I gathered all the application forms needed to be signed and posted it off to N pleading that she help get Judy to sign these. If she would only ever do one thing for me could it please be this; I promised to never bother them again if thats what they wanted.

A coupe more anxious weeks passed until I finally got an email from N. on the 16th July 2015.

She went on to explain that she had tried to write to me several times in the last few months but after only a few lines found that she was stuck. ..

" I really don't know what it is that I want to write... it seems that I'm just writing because I think its the right thing to do not because its something that I want to do..it just seems forced to me still not something natural."

At least she was honest about her feelings, as much as it hurts me to hear. Maybe in the future things might change for her.. for everyone.

But she did act on my request to get the forms signed and have that critical file released with no omissions. She sent me a copy of the file and it has my birth fathers surname for me to see! Thankyou!

I NOW HAVE A NAME OF MY BIRTHFATHER!

Robert Paton

Now I can finally start my own search.

You may recall way back in my first phone call to Judy in 2010, in the same conversation that she had told me numerous times that I was a mistake..she also said that 'He was dead' when I asked who my birthfather was. I didnt know whether to believe this or not as she has not always been truthful or agreeable to the information I had gathered regarding my adoption.

But I decided rather then to go stir crazy trying to make all the pieces fit, to just go with what I had and see if it all fell into place.

So I put a call out to some online searchers who devote many hours helping reunite families and friends. After doing a death record search a couple of matches were found.. some were ruled out by age.. year..location ect, but one remained. There were a few indiscrepencies but I've got to rememeber that some of the information on my adoption files may not be totally accurate or have come from a reliable source.. I have to allow room for error.

I sent away for an extract of this persons death certificate, hoping it will give some more information to help this puzzle start taking shape. It did. It had his parents names, which led me to finding a newspaper clipping about his mothers passing in 2007 that listed other siblings names (his brothers and sisters).

A visit to the electoral office last week to look up the siblings names and addresses gave me a list that I was then able to search through in the white pages. For a few days I sat looking at the list, hesitant and anxious. Unsure whether to make a phone call or not. Scared of what may come.. more rejection? More denial? It might even be the complete wrong family that im looking for.

Thursday 13th August 2015 - what have I got to lose! Just ring and see what happens.

And so I did! The first couple I tried went to voicemail so I hung up. There was another who's address was a caravan park. I rang there and spoke to the office lady who confirmed there was a Paton living there and she would pass on my number. A few hours later I get the call!

He says Robert (or Bobby as they all knew him) was his uncle. He suggested I needed to call his mother (Bobbys sister) as she knows more. Before I rang her, he'd already called her to tell her I was about to call...and then she had rung her only surviving brother to talk to him.. so by the time I had got through to her she was able to tell me that  her brother said,  yes Bobby and Judy dated for a few years in Gundagai!

OMG! Really!! So they definately were together.

Finally, this puzzle of my life and where I come from is starting to come together. And do you know what is best of all... I'm being accepted.. I'm being welcomed.

Another thing she said was that their late mother had often said she always thought that Bobby had a daughter! Im not sure if that was just a mothers intuition or if she actually knew something, or just a hope she had, but either way.. it seems to be true!

I'm Bobby's girl!

The next day or 2 I 'met' a few new cousins on facebook and they were able to show me some photos of Bobbys parents and siblings, but at this stage im still waiting anxiously for a photo of him!

Im blown away by how nice the whole family is..how much they are happy to know of my existance..


a few little quotes from messages from my new cousins include...

• 
  

  Hi Donna, I believe we're cousins. Welcome to the Paton family

• To my family, your a part of Bobby they never knew existed, something they never thought could happen

• Always nice to find family'

• Bobby had beautiful dark curls

• 
  

  You and your family are a blessing 

  
  

  I am truly blessed. 

I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone and learning all I can about the man that was my father. It does need to be said though, that as much as we all want this to be true and as much as it appears that it is, we do need to get it verified for certain which we will look into in the coming weeks! But I am feeling and believing that Bobby was my father!

Its a really mixed up feeling. Being so happy that the mystery is getting solved, and being accepted into a beautiful family... but being so sad knowing now that I'll never get the chance to meet him myself, or to hear his voice. How can I miss someone so much that I never ever got the chance to meet!

RIP Bobby 

(My Father)

xx