The Road to Gundagai, and my truth!

What a ride this last month has been!

 

I started to write this entry 3 weeks ago right at a crucial part of this rollercoaster ride, but thought I'd lost it.. but with the wonders of modern technology I have just discovered the first paragraph was still saved...this was it :

 

29th September 2016 - The Road to Gundagai and my truth.

 

So six months since my last entry.. and today I write this one as I'm sitting in the car on the road to Gundagai! That's right, I am finally going to find the resting place of Bobby Paton.. the man who I believe fathered me over 41 years ago and passed before he even knew I was created.

After stopping at Gundagai I'll also be going on to Wagga Wagga to meet Bobbys sister, my aunty, and getting a peace of mind DNA test done with her to truly confirm that Bobby was my father. You see, so far we can only assume and hope that this is the case going on the information I've collected over the years but there has always been some indiscrepencies.

 

That's all that was saved from that entry I was writing at the time, so now to continue I will put myself back in the car approaching Gundagai....

 

With every sign post we pass that says ' Gundagai - 80km ..... Gundagai - 50km', my heart beats a little faster and my stomach does all kinds of twists. Tears well in my eyes as the enormity of what I'm about to do hits me. This is something that I thought I would never have the opportunity to do. For so many years now I thought there was no chance of ever finding who my birthfather was. Everything was against me; government beaurocracy, deceit, lies and secrets. Then came the breakthrough of finally getting a name.. to then tracking down that person only to discover that he had passed away, to now going to finally meet him at his resting place. I've only been able to imagine this day but now I'm living it.

 

We enter the township of Gundagai and turn down the road towards the cemetery.

 

 

 

 I can barely see through blurry eyes but we pull up at the gate. I've been told its an unmarked grave, just to the left as you enter the gate, with a blue vase on top. His parents also lay unmarked next to him.

 

Walking through the gate, wiping my eyes to focus on what lays ahead, and I see the vase.

 

Slowly I walk in to the gravesite, then just stop and stare. Staring at a pile of dirt has never felt so emotional and so gut wrenching. The tears start to fall heavier now and even though my supportive husband and son were right beside me, I was in my own little world for just a few moments talking to my birthfather for the first time. They weren't words coming out of my mouth, they were coming out of my heart going directly to Bobby. I told him I missed him and I wish that I had had a chance to know him. I told him that I know he was a good person and that I know he has come from a good family who have welcomed me. I told him that I loved him!

 

I also said hi to his sister that is buried with him and his parents that are beside him. My Aunty and Grandparents.

 

I looked up to the sky.... perfectly blue with not a cloud in site. Whilst his body is buried below me, I know he is way up there looking down on me.

I hope he is proud. I hope he watches over me. I hope he loves me.

Just at that moment a bird appeared in the sky..circled around and then flew off.

Thankyou Bobby!

 

I placed some flowers, yellow roses, into their vases, and sat with them all for a bit.
No words, just pure emotions.

 

 

So as I stand up to walk away, I pick up 2 pieces of rock from his gravesite and hold them tight in my hand. Now I will always have something tangible that I can hold to be close to him. It may just be rock, but now it is one of my most sacred possessions.

 

 

Time to go and continue on to Wagga Wagga to meet his sister Beryl and to get this all confirmed with DNA tomorrow. An hour or so later, we are pulling up at her house. I've spoken many times over the phone to her but this will be the first time meeting her.

I'm greeted with an excited hello and a warm hug, and told 'come and meet the family'! Out the back there were nieces and nephews and cousins all waiting to meet me. It was a little overwhelming at first for me, but they were all beautiful people and I soon felt more at ease.  It was great getting to know these people and what was even more overwhelming was when I heard

"I showed your photo to someone? and they said you look just like grandma, or aunty ?'.. people were seeing physical similarities. Then also there was mention of a letter that was found some time ago, but cant be located just now that was from Judy (my birthmother) to Bobby saying she had had the baby! Oh how I wish that letter is found and that I can see it!!

 

We stayed the night then the next day we were to have our DNA tested. 12 months ago we first discussed getting DNA done and were told it was possible to get a 'peace of mind' test done on an aunty/niece relationship. We already felt sure that I was the daughter of Bobby Paton, but for my own peace of mind I wanted the test. Beryl had already accepted me as her niece and she said regardless of what the results say, she will always be my aunty.

 

Into the pathology rooms we go, for a quick, simple cheek swab of saliva, then that was it.
An 8-10 day wait for the results!

I felt excited but anxious. I wanted answers. I wanted the truth. But what if it isn't the answer I'm hoping for. What if the truth takes this family from me again. But also what if this gives me a whole new family to get to know, and what if I can finally know my roots and confidently say Bobby Paton was my birth father. 8-10 days is going to take forever. But I've done this waiting game before.. I can do it again now.
 

We left Wagga Wagga the next morning and saying goodbye to Beryl was hard.

 We promised to stay in touch and to meet again. We agreed regardless of results she will be my aunty. She told me she loved me!

But then, a couple of hours into our long trip home I got a phone call...from the DNA lab. We had only done the test yesterday.

"Im sorry but the test you had done yesterday isn't suitable for testing Aunt/Niece relationships.. you need to do the twice as expensive test..shall we charge your credit card with the new amount of $1000!!!"   "NO!!!!"

I argued with her that I did the one that I was told to, by someone at that labs 12 months ago, and that there was no way we could afford to pay more right now. I usually keep pretty level headed about things but on this I really lost my shit!! I got off the phone in tears. I was so mad. Again I had the universe against me in knowing my truth. I emailed the labs just so they understood how much this was doing to me, demanding they fix their stuff up!

They replied saying it was going to the supervisor for consideration.

A few days later they rang to say they were doing the other more expensive testing but for the original price. We would get a result in a few days.

And in just a few days we got the results.

Opening that envelope, my heart was racing. This is it! Finally I'm going to get some truth.
The first couple of pages were just our details and explanation about what DNA is. Then came the results page! A lot of numbers... what does it all mean?

Then there in simple text is our answer...

 

BOOM! TAKE THAT!

I'm in shock and disbelief. It can't be true. We were all so sure. I must say I was NOT prepared for this. I'm totally gutted and feeling so lost. If Bobby Paton isn't my father, then who is?

This puts me right back to square one with nothing to work with.

Calling Beryl to tell her was one of the hardest phone calls I've had to make. She was in as much disbelief as I was. She reassured me that she would still be my aunty even though the DNA said she wasn't. I appreciate this and will always love her dearly, but I still now have this void about who is my father. She understands that it is something that I feel I need to know. So she reminds me of something that she did tell me many months ago, but that I hadn't gone into great depth with as I was sure I was on the right path with her brother being my father. She told me there is another Robert Paton that was from Gundagai that was related to her family, but she didn't know much about him.

So now I have a new path to venture down to see where it may take me. I've found the impossible before with my determination and dedication; I'm sure I'll do it again.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE I AM FROM!

And whilst this DNA test didn't give me the answer I wanted, it did give me an answer. And to give me some more help and guidance I have now received the Ancestry DNA kit. This will allow me to load my DNA details onto a DNA website and hopefully show up some matches with anyone else from anywhere in the world that may have had their DNA tested... I've got nothing to lose, right?

So the kit is here...

... I need to go spit!

A month of birthdays!

Welcome to 2016!

I've been trying to write a new post in this blog since February, but I never seem to get far before I give up, as I'm not even sure what to write, but this time I'm determined to just write and post so forgive me if it appears a little scattered and boring.

So yes, 2016! Can you believe it and into March already!! Will soon be Christmas :P

It's been quite some time since my last post, the one where I shared a photo of my newly discovered birth father. But since then there hasn't really been much more happen on this journey .. good or bad. Perhaps we can look at it like the rollercoaster is just sitting idle waiting for the next run. I'm in the front seat ready and waiting!

My birthday came and went last month.. the anniversary of the day my birthmother made that decision that she didn't want to be my mother. For some reason it felt a little bit tougher this year then it has in the past. I was really hoping to be thought of by those connected by blood. And I think what made it a little bit more emotional was 2 days after my birthday was the birthday of my birthfather. I'm nearly certain (well I certainly hope) that had he of been alive he would have thought of me.. he would have cared.

As I have said in an earlier post...how can I miss someone so bad that I never ever got the chance to meet. I feel so ripped off that myself, nor him had that opportunity. I want to know so much about him. I want to know what of him lives on in me.

[insert a small break here, until my eyes clear from a little cry]

And whilst I have spoken a few times to his siblings and nieces etc.. and they are all beautiful people who do accept me as his and are nothing but warm and friendly when we do talk, I just wish we talked more often so I felt a bond growing and so I felt a little easier asking weird and random questions about him. But I also need to understand, that this is their brother.. their uncle that they lost over 40 years ago. It might hurt them to bring up the past. I'm sure they miss him too.. and there's probably a lot that they just don't remember.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll reach out again. I always feel happy after I do.


On the other side of the coin...

...well its still a little tarnished.

There's been no further contact with my birthsisters or birth mother. Not that I haven't wanted to, particularly this last week they have been in my thoughts, but they have their life to live and their families to care for. Maybe one day I'll be welcomed. I read so many 'searching for' and 'happy reunion' stories. I just wish that one day I'll be able to share that story.

Until then, this is my story!

The Photo I've Been Longing To See!!

What an amazing emotional day its been for me today!

I got to see a coupe of photos of the man I believe to be my father, Bobby Paton!

A day I've been waiting for a long time and never thought would happen.

The moment I laid eyes on him, a tear fell.... followed by quite a few more.. and are falling again now as I type this.

What a handsome gentle soul he looks.

I was told that 'all the ladies thought he was good looking' and I can see why!

Beautiful dark curls!

Oh I wish he was still here. I wish he had a chance to know me and for me to know him.

My next road trip will definately be back to Gundagai to see his resting place.

Here is... Bobby Paton

♥

Bobby's Girl

And so, another 3 months have passed since my last entry. I must say its been quite a progressive and interesting time.

After being about 6 months and not hearing anything more from my birth sister since the initial contact, I was feeling that hurt of rejection surface all over again.

I'd written to her asking if she would help me with obtaining that critical piece of paper from the adoption agency with my birth fathers name on it (it could only be released to my birthmother upon her request) but had no response so I was getting desperate. I NEEDED to know and they were my only chance to get it. So I gathered all the application forms needed to be signed and posted it off to N pleading that she help get Judy to sign these. If she would only ever do one thing for me could it please be this; I promised to never bother them again if thats what they wanted.

A coupe more anxious weeks passed until I finally got an email from N. on the 16th July 2015.

She went on to explain that she had tried to write to me several times in the last few months but after only a few lines found that she was stuck. ..

" I really don't know what it is that I want to write... it seems that I'm just writing because I think its the right thing to do not because its something that I want to do..it just seems forced to me still not something natural."

At least she was honest about her feelings, as much as it hurts me to hear. Maybe in the future things might change for her.. for everyone.

But she did act on my request to get the forms signed and have that critical file released with no omissions. She sent me a copy of the file and it has my birth fathers surname for me to see! Thankyou!

I NOW HAVE A NAME OF MY BIRTHFATHER!

Robert Paton

Now I can finally start my own search.

You may recall way back in my first phone call to Judy in 2010, in the same conversation that she had told me numerous times that I was a mistake..she also said that 'He was dead' when I asked who my birthfather was. I didnt know whether to believe this or not as she has not always been truthful or agreeable to the information I had gathered regarding my adoption.

But I decided rather then to go stir crazy trying to make all the pieces fit, to just go with what I had and see if it all fell into place.

So I put a call out to some online searchers who devote many hours helping reunite families and friends. After doing a death record search a couple of matches were found.. some were ruled out by age.. year..location ect, but one remained. There were a few indiscrepencies but I've got to rememeber that some of the information on my adoption files may not be totally accurate or have come from a reliable source.. I have to allow room for error.

I sent away for an extract of this persons death certificate, hoping it will give some more information to help this puzzle start taking shape. It did. It had his parents names, which led me to finding a newspaper clipping about his mothers passing in 2007 that listed other siblings names (his brothers and sisters).

A visit to the electoral office last week to look up the siblings names and addresses gave me a list that I was then able to search through in the white pages. For a few days I sat looking at the list, hesitant and anxious. Unsure whether to make a phone call or not. Scared of what may come.. more rejection? More denial? It might even be the complete wrong family that im looking for.

Thursday 13th August 2015 - what have I got to lose! Just ring and see what happens.

And so I did! The first couple I tried went to voicemail so I hung up. There was another who's address was a caravan park. I rang there and spoke to the office lady who confirmed there was a Paton living there and she would pass on my number. A few hours later I get the call!

He says Robert (or Bobby as they all knew him) was his uncle. He suggested I needed to call his mother (Bobbys sister) as she knows more. Before I rang her, he'd already called her to tell her I was about to call...and then she had rung her only surviving brother to talk to him.. so by the time I had got through to her she was able to tell me that  her brother said,  yes Bobby and Judy dated for a few years in Gundagai!

OMG! Really!! So they definately were together.

Finally, this puzzle of my life and where I come from is starting to come together. And do you know what is best of all... I'm being accepted.. I'm being welcomed.

Another thing she said was that their late mother had often said she always thought that Bobby had a daughter! Im not sure if that was just a mothers intuition or if she actually knew something, or just a hope she had, but either way.. it seems to be true!

I'm Bobby's girl!

The next day or 2 I 'met' a few new cousins on facebook and they were able to show me some photos of Bobbys parents and siblings, but at this stage im still waiting anxiously for a photo of him!

Im blown away by how nice the whole family is..how much they are happy to know of my existance..


a few little quotes from messages from my new cousins include...

• 
  

  Hi Donna, I believe we're cousins. Welcome to the Paton family

• To my family, your a part of Bobby they never knew existed, something they never thought could happen

• Always nice to find family'

• Bobby had beautiful dark curls

• 
  

  You and your family are a blessing 

  
  

  I am truly blessed. 

I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone and learning all I can about the man that was my father. It does need to be said though, that as much as we all want this to be true and as much as it appears that it is, we do need to get it verified for certain which we will look into in the coming weeks! But I am feeling and believing that Bobby was my father!

Its a really mixed up feeling. Being so happy that the mystery is getting solved, and being accepted into a beautiful family... but being so sad knowing now that I'll never get the chance to meet him myself, or to hear his voice. How can I miss someone so much that I never ever got the chance to meet!

RIP Bobby 

(My Father)

xx

Tell those that you love and care about, that you love them

I write todays post with a heavy heart!

I just learnt today that a most loving beautiful helpful soul passed away a couple of weeks ago. If you have been following this blog since the beginning you will recall a lady I spoke of called Marj. I discovered this true gem when I was digging and looking for answers and information on the Piper side of my birth family. Her late husband and my paternal grandfather were nephew/uncle.

She was a wealth of information and never stopped trying to help me. Its going to leave a huge void in my life. She wanted me as part of the Piper family.. the only one who did. Now that she is no longer here I feel even more detached and lost.

I am just so glad that I got to Tumut early last year to meet her and I'll never forget her words she said to my friend when we were leaving...

 

I love you Marj, thankyou, and I'll miss you.

Rest In Peace

 

 

 

And so, it has been 6 months now since I had contact with one of my birth sisters. Since it became real that I had siblings and that they now knew about me. I wish I could say its been an exciting, welcoming, fun 6 months, but I can't. After initially having so much excitement and hope from her first message, sadly nothing more progressed. I guess I can't blame her. My simple existence was a massive shock to her. Sometimes for some people its easier to pretend a situation doesn't exist rather then to face it.

If you are reading this N, its ok. I don't hold any grudges. You do what you feel is right for you. But I do hope that just maybe one day you will want to be in touch again.

And my other sister, L... I hope you too will at least give me a chance. I reached out to you only to be totally blocked without a word.

All I can say to you both is, that I didn't ask to be born into this situation, and nor did you. I'm sorry if I have bought problems to your life. But it is what it is. There's nothing we can do to change the facts... its only what we each decide to do with the facts that we each have a choice with. If this is your choice, to avoid it and ignore it.. me, then I have to accept that. All along I've said that all I ever wanted was for you to know the truth, and you both to be at least given the opportunity to do with it what you will.

I wont lie. It hurts! Really hurts! Its a pain I don't think anyone can truly understand unless they are in this same situation.


In light of the sad news I heard today about Marj, let me sign off by saying...

"tell those that you love and care about, that you love them.. tomorrow isn't always promised"

No Longer A Secret

BIG NEWS!!! I'm no longer a secret!!!

A couple of months ago, I had a support person call Judy on my behalf to let her know I would at some point try and make contact with my sisters, but wanted to give her the opportunity to tell them herself, rather then some stranger.

I didn't follow through with this for some time until about 2 weeks ago. I didn't want to just come out with this big revelation to the girls, but I needed to take a step forward.. carefully.

After much umming and ahhing, and with a nervous hand I decided to send a friend request to one of them on facebook! Talk about anxiety running overtime!

Would she accept..then what?
Would she decline without a word spoken, and I'd still be no further ahead?
Would she know who I was?
Would she start asking questions? A tense few days followed until about 7am Tuesday November 11th, Rememberance Day.

DING! went my facebook messenger on my phone. I looked down and seen her icon pop up on my screen. There was a message from her. Thoughts started flying through my mind. Was it going to say 'go away'.. was it going to say 'who are you?'..  was it going to say 'hi sis'?

My heart racing, I clicked on it to open up, and started to read. Tears started to fall from my eyes as I realised this was actually happening. It felt surreal, I had to keep looking up, focusing my eyes then looking back to the screen expecting there to be nothing, that I was just imagining it. But it was real.

And it was a long message. One that she has obviously put a lot of thought and time into writing.

I won't relay her message word for word here, as it is obviously a private piece between myself and her, but the main thing that hits me, is that her and her sister know about me! From what I can tell, its only been fairly recently that they have been told (perhaps after that last call to Judy..i dont know?) and they are still trying to understand and comprehend the situation.

I'm just so grateful that now they at least know I exist, and can now make that decision for themselves as to whether they want a big sister in their lives. She makes no promises of a 'happy ever after' but she was kind enough to at least respond and acknowledge me. I thank you for that N.

So, now I have emailed her and suggested that they all read this blog. I hope it will give them a little understanding on my thoughts and feelings on this journey.

I have tried to be nothing but honest and upfront, expressed joy when I was happy.. cried tears when I've been hurt.. and banged my head when I've been frustrated.  

As the blog title says...  its a rollercoaster ride, thats for sure.

 

 And now after this last development, I'm turning a corner in the dark tunnel....what lies ahead? Time will tell!



And I do also need to mention one more thing that was in that message..

"..when we heard about you we wondered what you looked like but now seeing this there is no doubt...  ...I know straight away I am staring at my mother.."

I wonder..'do I look like my father?'

OK so its been nearly 5 months since my last post.. and 5 months since I located my birth sisters profiles on facebook. Its been a tough 5 months, even those closest to me don't realise how tough. Some days are a lot harder then others but I soldier on.

I still haven't had the courage or strength up to make contact with my sisters, or to make a phone call to Judy (my birthmother). Some people have said 'just do it' or said they 'don't know how I've held back from coming forward'.. all I can say is, as much as I have desperately wanted to, it just hasn't felt the right time or the right thing to do. I think its still a case of me wanting to keep the peace. I don't want to cause drama.. heck there's enough of that already in this word!

But I do regularly look at their profiles on facebook. I know what football team they go for. I know what movies they've been to at the cinema. I've seen photos of their family, including my mother. Personally I see a  clear physical resemblance of me in one sister, and a little in the other... but none at all in the mother, which leads me to wonder "Do I look like my father??"

I would love to post a photo of the sisters and Judy here for you all to look for similarities, but again I will respect their privacy and hold back. If you would like to see privately, write your email address below in the comments and I'll send a copy.

As you may recall, when I did my big trip in January of this year, part of it involved going to Gundagai, a place where Judy was born and raised. I wanted to just be in the town that raised my mother.. to see things that she would have grown up with. To see if there was any answers waiting to fall into my lap to my myriad of questions.. there wasn't.  But a few weeks ago, when I looked at my sisters facebook, I seen something that really stirred some emotions!

She wrote 'surprised mum! told her to dress warm. Took her home to Gundagai!' She went on to say about Judys' aunt and uncle getting a nice surprise to open their door and see her there, and how Judy showed them where she grew up..went to school..learnt to swim etc. These are things I wanted to know about! She should be telling me these stories, showing me these places! Don't I deserve to know?? Instead of being kept locked away as a dirty secret.. a mistake!

I'm a simple person. I don't want for a lot in this world. I didn't ask to be put in this situation, but it's the cards I was dealt with, and I have to just play the best way I can. Hopefully some time soon I get brave to show my cards to those that also have a right to know their complete family... my sisters!

On a happier note, I have just spent a few days with my 'birth' cousin Chris who i first met a couple years ago. Although our connection stems back to our mutual great great grandfather George, having someone in my life who shares the same blood (apart from my beautiful son) is something most people just take for granted. I know that family isn't just about genes and blood.. I was lucky, I grew up in a loving, supportive, caring family that I will always consider my family.

Me and Chris

But there is just something special, not many will understand the importance of, in connecting with ones own heritage, when its been denied to you for so long.

I was also lucky to meet one of Chris's brothers Steve (yes, that means another cousin!) and his lovely wife. I'm so glad they have all welcomed me and accepted me.

If only everyone was so open to my existance... !